You know how you get all caught up with laundry or email and you’re all I AM AWESOME. That’s how I felt last week when we got our recap up all early and shit. This week? Well we’re scrambling a bit. Also WP ate Jen’s original post and y’all know how she gets. (I had a whole bunch of funny up in here, and WordPress decided to be a BITCH and while saving, managed to do the complete opposite and deleted everything, causing me to go into a rage of epic proportions. So my apologies if this time around isn’t as funny. — J)
Previously All Auf the Queen of Satan’s Closet! BYE GIRL. Y’all, we are TWO EPISODES AWAY and the time has come to make people look like weird ass trees. I do agree moving this challenge closer to final runway really separates the designers from the tailors and hones in their point of view before sending them off to design a line. Thanks Lifetime for paying no attention to me but doing what makes sense anyway.
Who the hell chose these characters and how do they have anything to do with the palettes? Whatever. Made-up L’Oreal / Disney palettes are the “inspiration” for avant-garde – ALLONS-Y! They have 2 days (Which is just an extra day of them stressing and pulling out their hair turbans. – J), a whopping $400 and 15 minutes to sketch. Sonjia and Chris adorably skip off together because they’re totes presh.
Dmitry loves the violets and blue palette and settles on making a suit. Get it D! You rarely see separates in Avant Garde so that’s a risky call but of course, it’s Dmitry so it will be amazing. Chris calls an hourglass the evil shape *blink blink* OK. His sketch looks UNREAL – all dramatic and whimsical at the same time. The most out of her element? Melissa with the artsy muse, as there is nary a black bit in the palette or even the name. EMBRACE COLOR MELISSA! She needs to pump up her design jam and get moving. Sonjia says the predictable things about the temptress – sexy, seductive – YAWNSICLES. Freegan takes an interesting turn on the queen calling her strong on the outside and frail on the inside. Oh Freegan.
We come back from the unfortunate ads and get the usual avant-garde isn’t a costume; it’s meant to walk the runway; it’s something different blah blah. And I call shenanigans here as the theme for this CLEARLY suggests costume versus the theme from last year which had the designers interpreting abstract art. Whatever.
In comes Tim for his daily chat with each designer and to make them feel like complete ass about their garment. He moseys over to Melissa who AGAIN plans to do about 400 things with nothing started. She’s all “OK so it’s three…” and Tim’s all “Melissa. IT’S FIVE. Get it together.” OK I can’t remember if he said that last part but you know it was implied. Dmitry shows off his jacket with an awesome triangular sleeve and Tim’s like This? A triangle sleeve? For the avant-garde challenge? No sir. Make it fucking spectacular. Freegan explains his garment to Tim and uses the phrase boy shorts. Chris is all, “BOY SHORTS? On a queen? With an ugly jacket?” Tim’s face is PRICELESS. Freegan’s tracking his silence (THE BEST LINE EVER! I give him 13 cool points back as he described Tim Gunn’s 3 stages of disappointed silence – J) hand on face, crossed arms, lean back with a squinty head tilt. And Freegan couldn’t be more right when he predicts nothing good is going to come out of Tim’s mouth. “It makes me sad. It’s DREARY. The coat looks like a costume because it jumped out of the past.” Freegan’s all fuuuuuuuck.
Sonjia just stands there looking at her random ugly green draping and Tim literally says “Sonjia, you need to be WORKING.” Then he gets real telling her she’s not working up to her potential and she’s backed up – with potential, not poop. I have to agree as Sonjia is very talented but too unsure of herself. Tim urges her to unleash all her potential backup and leaves the room. As he turns away, Melissa mimes hanging herself. Yeah, that’s about right Melis.
Side note: How pissed is Elena that she missed this challenge? Answer – very.
The next morning chez Atlas and the designers are all dead inside. Zombie Designers! Chris interviews that an avant-garde garment takes months worth of work which they shove into two days. This is BE FUCKING AMAZING time. Sonjia’s interviews that she finally got it! What? It came to you in your sleep? You have one day Sonjia. Dmitry? Not impressed with the green snake she’s draped all over her dress form. Freegan interviews that he used to wear his button down shirts as pants. Color me surprised. After the disastrous Tim critique and his genius idea, he flipped his jacket around. I think it still looks like a costume but whatever. Tim and Bill B pop in and BB’s going to do the makeup consult. You can tell the designers clearly don’t have time for the shameless L’Oreal plug. But after the obligatory let’s use the blues and the purple eye and the crazy eyeliner it’s 8PM. Jesus that was fast. In comes Tim and he wows over Freegan’s coat. Melissa has a skirt that I love but it’s hard to see where she’s going with it and, per usual, she’s got a shit ton of work left. Well the last time we saw her at this point she was IN THE SEWING ROOM when TG 2016 called time. Y’all Sonjia’s confused and Tim tells her to keep it from looking like a student project. OUCH. Her garment looks like a sexy Eve (Biblical) with a Melissa collar.
Side note: Interesting how everyone views avant-garde differently and how that translates into each piece. Frankly I think avant-garde looks ugly and kinda broken but again that’s my view. And apparently Freegan’s.
Tim walks up to Chris and says, “This is a dress from the 1890s,” and then asks Chris what avant-garde is and what make this avant-garde. Chris stumbles pretty heavily, doesn’t finish a sentence and generally grasps for words before ending with the dreaded, “It’s hard.” Oh boo. Tim knows this but get prepared for an ass-whupping. Clearly, Chris lost some of his earlier confidence as he can’t explain his garment. Tim calls it beautifully executed but he’s at a loss to find the avant-gardeness. Again, please refer to the above costumey theme. At Belarus’s next great comedian, Tim loves Dmitry’s suit then asks him the same question – What is avant-garde? Dmitry fares no better than Chris and Tim calls Dmitry on sending similar looks down the runway. If it was a ready-to-,wear challenge Tim would be thrilled but the suit is not nearly avant-garde enough. Tim ain’t pulling punches this challenge – errrrybody in the room gettin’ shit. And if my Evernote changes this to avant GRADE again I will punch a kitten.
Prank My Mom? No Lifetime. I shan’t. Thanks. Oh heeeeyyyy Vivica! You have a new shitty job to go with your new shitty face!
Oh fine. JUDGING. Out of nowhere, Heidi says one OR MORE OF YOU will be out. Honestly, I think she finds messing with their heads (and ours) a delightful pastime.
Melissa – Artsy Muse
Jen: Dear Melissa, I kinda dig this. I know, I know, let me explain dear reader. First off, she used my favorite color palette, teal and coral. Maybe I need to get that Artsy Muse color palette L’Oreal! (Shameless plug #3 – A) I LOVE the print on the skirt, and the peek-a-boo of color. I LOVE the jacket/vest thing; the collar is amazing and all together, this outfit is awesome. When I first heard her mention leather cuffs and snaps and shit, I about lost my mind, but seeing it all pulled together, it totally works and I really dig this look. The only thing I don’t really like, is that her coral color looks more red, which i do NOT like with teal, just fyi. This kinda reminds me of a bitchy Snow White. GRADE: A
A: Melissa sold her soul for a time machine because her shit was in PIECES. The skirt? YES. Love the snippet of color and the print which emphasizes the cut of the skirt. Jeeee- NIUS. And while I like the vest, I am meh on the rest. I don’t think the cuffs add anything other than a feeble cry of heeyyyy! We’re avant-garde! However, this is so clearly a Melissa outfit which I love. Her point of view clearly comes across and you can tell it’s hers from the get go. GRADE: B-
Freegan – Enchanted Queen
Jen: Oh look at me, I’m artsy fartsy and I like to turn jackets upside down. Usually I would insert some more snarky comments here, but I kinda like the jacket turned upside down. However, what he did next is horrific. I HATE this dress, oh wait, it’s actually PALAZZO PANTS. Gag me with a spoon people. I hate them. I also hate the black streamers he has going down the model’s chest. He had a chance to turn this around when he re-conceptualized this jacket, but he failed miserably. Damnit Freegan. GRADE: B-
A: OK fine the jacket thing is pretty cool. But I thought he would do something OUT OF THIS WORLD INSANE. Instead he made sheer curtains with some ribbons, boy shorts and a reversible jacket. The color looks rich and queeny (at ease Korsy) but the hair style doesn’t match the look and the pants certainly don’t match the quality of the jacket. I am disappointed in the lack of edginess from the Freegan. GRADE: C+
Dmitry – Wise Mystic
Jen: Welp, she seems pretty mystical. Shake it fast! Watch Yourself! Shake it fast! Show me whatcha workin with! (I always thought it was shake yo’ ass? Am I hearing white again? – A) Ahh, I love that song. Anywho, I really dig this. I didn’t quite understand the Avant Garde aspect of it, until the judges pointed out that the devil is in the details. I LOVE the fucking cutouts on the side of this skirt. Sweet baby Jesus. I love the details on the front and the deep V back. I DO NOT LIKE (and don’t think ANY woman would like) the zipper ending at the model’s asshole. I also don’t like the fucking collar. But all together, I dig this powersuit for a bitchy executive! GRADE: A
A: Ok I now feel like Tim is going to pop into my bedroom and ask me to define avant-garde. Because I really don’t see it here. Yes – the tailoring of this suit is divine, the color spectacular and the detailing perfect. But it’s a SUIT. The back gives the element of surprise for sure and the cutouts in the skirt are sexy as hell but again, AVANT GARDE is not a suit! It’s Missy Elliot’s giant garbage bag or Gaga’s meat suit. Both of which confuse me but I still remember both of them. Dmitry – I love it. But that usually means it’s not avant-garde. GRADE: B+
Sonjia- Seductive Temptress
Jen: Call me crazy, but I really like this. What I DO NOT like, is an African-American designer choosing the LIGHTEST COLOR MESH for her African-American model. Frankly, I’m disturbed she used mesh at all! GAG! It’s so ice skater! If she could have found a way to make the top connect WITHOUT using the dreaded mesh, she would have been the winner and THAT would have been avant-garde. I LOVE this green with her model’s skin tone, but I hate the design of the fabric. I agree with the judges, it looks like a fucking tablecloth. This dress fits the model perfectly and I love the styling with the hair down. GRADE: B+
A: Haaaaate. Total student project with the mesh and the random draping. And yes, no mesh would greatly improve this look and show off some serious skills but can we agree she looks like black Ariel the underwater hoarder? I would have loved a completely open back on this dress. Yes the right side looks like a discarded absinthe napkin. I think a wire in the skirt or something to make the dress less mermaidish would have been more avant-garde. Korsy: “It looks like Nancy Kerrigan skated through a banquet hall.” HAHAHAHA. Sonjia gets sassy right back but nope. No Ma’am. GRADE: D
Chris – Enchanted Queen
Jen: Since Chris is himself an enchanted queen (Truth – A), I had a feeling he would knock this out of the park. While it wasn’t a home run, I kinda like this, and to me it’s totally avant-garde from the hot mess hairdo right now to the feathers on her arms. Nowhere else but on a model for an avant-garde challenge would anyone want to see exaggerated hips. But somehow, this is just so awesome! It reminds me of Mrs. Havisham in a black wedding dress. I agree with the judges that the top should have fit the models bosom better, but the back makes up for that. From the feathers to the corset back, I just die for the back of this dress. Absolutely breathtaking. GRADE: A
A: Of all the garments, this one hits the mark at avant-garde. Mostly because the model looks batshit crazy and it’s my blog so I can say whatever I want. I agree with Nina that Chris tried too many ideas at once and it doesn’t convey well. I do love the feather forearms even though they bring it right into costume territory but it’s weird so it works. The back of the dress looks lovely and interesting. Those crazy molded hips work perfectly for the garment (Sonjia PAY ATTENTION) and really add that avant-garde feel. The front does leave the model looking a little deflated especially with the dramatic hip flare but overall Chris did a great job.
Heidi rode the ugly bus in as she hates Melissa’s and Fabio’s garments while defending Sonjia’s. Michael and Nina look at her like she’s crazy and we all just assume she’s pregnant again and her eyes are bad. Zoe’s comments were right on point as usual (sorry Jen) when she says Sonjia’s garment looked unfinished and Freegan’s unflattering. (why the fuck does Zoe Saldana sound like she is a 85-year-old smoker?! – J)
The judges all go out of their way complimenting the designers on a great job which surprises both me and Jen since neither one of us truly love anything. But then comes the question: Why should you make it to Fashion Week? Who would you take with you? Heidi poking at their emotions and fears again. I think we can all seek comfort in the fact that all the designers have wanted the opportunity since they were kids and they’ve worked so hard and this will save their lives. Judges you’re down to FIVE designers who all have more talent that probably 45% of established designers who will already be at Fashion Week. Just cut them loose and get to the judging!
Finally the judges begin to comment on the avant garde runway and incorporate past judging which makes a shit ton of sense when you’re looking at the designers as a whole. The designers shit their pants (Freegan his dress) backstage and talk about being proud to make it this far when you know they’re all hoping someone else gets the axe.
I love every moment of the fashion flashbacks – Dmitry’s Candy Dress (YES!), Melissa’s Bloodline Dress, Sonjia’s PacMan Pant, Chris’s Skyline Rockette outfit. All amazing.
WHO IS GOING TO FASHION WEEK!?!?!?!
Dmitry, Melissa, Chris and Freegan. (Which I did NOT see coming at all. Sonjia>Fabio – J)
I can see why Sonjia’s not chosen. She’s an amazing tailor and seamstress but her point of view is still rough. The judges couldn’t point to one garment and say that’s a Sonjia right there. Girl we will see you on an All-Stars!