Proj Run Ep 12: “In a Place Far, Far Away”

You know how you get all caught up with laundry or email and you’re all I AM AWESOME. That’s how I felt last week when we got our recap up all early and shit. This week? Well we’re scrambling a bit. Also WP ate Jen’s original post and y’all know how she gets. (I had a whole bunch of funny up in here, and WordPress decided to be a BITCH and while saving, managed to do the complete opposite and deleted everything, causing me to go into a rage of epic proportions. So my apologies if this time around isn’t as funny. — J)

See?

Previously All Auf the Queen of Satan’s Closet! BYE GIRL. Y’all, we are TWO EPISODES AWAY and the time has come to make people look like weird ass trees. I do agree moving this challenge closer to final runway really separates the designers from the tailors and hones in their point of view before sending them off to design a line. Thanks Lifetime for paying no attention to me but doing what makes sense anyway.

A new day dawns at the Atlas and we’re down to the top 5. The boys are shocked this is the last challenge before Lincoln Center – although we all know they will shove someone else off before the final runway. It’s top 5 time! Dmitry, Chris and Freegan agree they can’t believe they’re so close. (Yes Freegan, we’re all as dumbfounded as you are that you are in the Top 5. – J) Meanwhile Melissa assumes correctly the she needs to step it up. Girl you better as your last  challenge did you no favors whatsoever. They all bid Atlas adieu and head off to the uncomfortable chairs of the Proj Run studio.

WHAT IN THE HELL IS HEIDI WEARING?! She looks like a gladiator’s whore and an ill-fit one at that. (Like a Greek gladiator ho.  Aphrodite is rolling over in her grave on this one.- J)  One more challenge to Lincoln Center and the designers are waning. She gives them her spiel – Tim at a surprise location, special guest, blah blah.

The designers walk through the lush landscaping of Oheka Castle in Long Island and meet up with Tim and Billy B. who’s the lead makeup guy that I don’t recall even a little bit.  It’s a L’Oreal plug!  They have a new line of electric makeup! How exciting! (Electric Fantasy Makeup!?!? What in the hooker palette, L’Oreal?! LAME. SO FUCKING LAME. – J). I can only assume Disney wants to leverage Once Upon a Time for the Avant-Garde challenge. WOOT!  Both Freegan and Melissa are SUPER excited. (YAY!!! Avant-Garde Challenge!! YAY! And I’m sure Melissa will still ask Swatch to sew a button for her. – J) They each get a muse based on the makeup line that I now have to go back and pay attention to so I can list them out. Sigh

Enchanted Queen _ Freegan

Seductive Temptress – Sonjia

Wise Mystic – Dmitry (Deadpan sarcastic tone, “It’s just so me, ya know?”  Oh Dmitry. I’ll put you in my pocket. -J)

Artsy Muse – Melissa

Enchanted Queen – Chris who gets to choose whatever he wants which is a curse and a blessing since he will be judged against someone else.

Who the hell chose these  characters and how do they have anything to do with the palettes? Whatever. Made-up L’Oreal / Disney palettes are the “inspiration” for avant-garde – ALLONS-Y! They have 2 days (Which is just an extra day of them stressing and pulling out their hair turbans.  – J), a whopping $400 and 15 minutes to sketch. Sonjia and Chris adorably skip off together because they’re totes presh.

Dmitry loves the violets and blue palette and settles on making a suit. Get it D! You rarely see separates in Avant Garde so that’s a risky call but of course, it’s Dmitry so it will be amazing. Chris calls an hourglass the evil shape *blink blink* OK. His sketch looks UNREAL – all dramatic and whimsical at the same time. The most out of her element? Melissa with the artsy muse, as there is nary a black bit in the palette or even the name. EMBRACE COLOR MELISSA!  She needs to pump up her design jam and get moving. Sonjia says the predictable things about the temptress – sexy, seductive – YAWNSICLES. Freegan takes an interesting turn on the queen calling her strong on the outside and frail on the inside. Oh Freegan.

They have 45 min to ransack Mood and we get a great shot of Swatch. Sonjia stresses me out by choosing all the scary colors saying,” I love everything I am choosing but I really don’t know what I am making yet.” GODDAMIT SONJIA. Chris chooses some black feathers that seem a bit obvious to me but let’s see what he does with it. Dmitry is beat and looks it. The blues aren’t working for him and he wants the one that’s juuuust right. Melis pouts about not getting the Enchanted Queen and she’s lost. No bueno Melis. She wants to find the best palette and the best weight. Oh lord. Melissa I don’t feel good about this.

Back in the work room, Tim is shocked by how few of them there are. And he reminds them they have two days and are expected to turn out something amazing to BLOW THE JUDGES AWAY. (Caps are all Tim Gunn y’all.) Sonjia discovers 5 yards of the gold fabric have gone missing and there’s the psycho face! Why don’t they check their bags before they leave!? Honestly.  (Maybe use some of that turban fabric? Just an idea. -J)

Dear Lifetime: WHY WOULD YOU REMAKE STEEL MAGNOLIAS? LOVE, EVERYONE.

We come back from the unfortunate ads and get the usual avant-garde isn’t a costume; it’s meant to walk the runway; it’s something different blah blah. And I call shenanigans here as the theme for this CLEARLY suggests costume versus the theme from last year which had the designers interpreting abstract art. Whatever.

In comes Tim for his daily chat with each designer and to make them feel like complete ass about their garment.  He moseys over to Melissa who AGAIN plans to do about 400 things with nothing started. She’s all “OK so it’s three…” and Tim’s all “Melissa. IT’S FIVE. Get it together.” OK I can’t remember if he said that last part but you know it was implied. Dmitry shows off his jacket with an awesome triangular sleeve and Tim’s like This? A triangle sleeve? For the avant-garde challenge? No sir. Make it fucking spectacular. Freegan explains his garment to Tim and uses the phrase boy shorts.  Chris is all, “BOY SHORTS? On a queen? With an ugly jacket?”  Tim’s face is PRICELESS. Freegan’s tracking his silence  (THE BEST LINE EVER! I give him 13 cool points back as he described Tim Gunn’s 3 stages of disappointed silence – J) hand on face, crossed arms, lean back with a squinty head tilt.   And Freegan couldn’t be more right when he predicts nothing good is going to come out of Tim’s mouth. “It makes me sad. It’s DREARY. The coat looks like a costume because it jumped out of the past.” Freegan’s all fuuuuuuuck.

Sonjia just stands there looking at her random ugly green draping and Tim literally says “Sonjia, you need to be WORKING.” Then he gets real telling her she’s not working up to her potential and she’s backed up – with potential, not poop. I have to agree as Sonjia is very talented but too unsure of herself. Tim urges her to unleash all her potential backup and leaves the room. As he turns away, Melissa mimes hanging herself. Yeah, that’s about right Melis.

Side note: How pissed is Elena that she missed this challenge? Answer – very.

The next morning chez Atlas and the designers are all dead inside. Zombie Designers! Chris interviews that an avant-garde garment takes months worth of work which they shove into two days. This is BE FUCKING AMAZING time.  Sonjia’s interviews that she finally got it! What? It came to you in your sleep? You have one day Sonjia. Dmitry? Not impressed with the green snake she’s draped all over her dress form. Freegan interviews that he used to wear his button down shirts as pants. Color me surprised.  After the disastrous Tim critique and his genius idea, he flipped his jacket around. I think it still looks like a costume but whatever. Tim and Bill B pop in and BB’s going to do the makeup consult. You can tell the designers clearly don’t have time for the shameless L’Oreal plug.  But after the obligatory let’s use the blues and the purple eye and the crazy eyeliner it’s 8PM. Jesus that was fast. In comes Tim and he wows over Freegan’s coat.  Melissa has a skirt that I love but it’s hard to see where she’s going with it and, per usual, she’s got a shit ton of work left. Well the last time we saw her at this point she was IN THE SEWING ROOM when TG 2016 called time. Y’all Sonjia’s confused and Tim tells her to keep it from looking like a student project. OUCH. Her garment looks like a sexy Eve (Biblical) with a Melissa collar.

Side note: Interesting how everyone views avant-garde differently and how that translates into each piece. Frankly I think avant-garde looks ugly and kinda broken but again that’s my view. And apparently Freegan’s.

Tim walks up to Chris and says, “This is a dress from the 1890s,” and then asks Chris what avant-garde is and what make this avant-garde. Chris stumbles pretty heavily, doesn’t finish a sentence and generally grasps for words before ending with the dreaded, “It’s hard.” Oh boo. Tim knows this but get prepared for an ass-whupping. Clearly, Chris lost some of his earlier confidence as he can’t explain his garment. Tim calls it beautifully executed but he’s at a loss to find the avant-gardeness. Again, please refer to the above costumey theme. At Belarus’s next great comedian, Tim loves Dmitry’s suit then asks him the same question – What is avant-garde? Dmitry fares no better than Chris and Tim calls Dmitry on sending similar looks down the runway. If it was a ready-to-,wear challenge Tim would be thrilled but the suit is not nearly avant-garde enough. Tim ain’t pulling punches this challenge – errrrybody in the room gettin’ shit.  And if my Evernote changes this to avant GRADE again I will punch a kitten.

Prank My Mom? No Lifetime. I shan’t. Thanks. Oh heeeeyyyy Vivica! You have a new shitty job to go with your new shitty face!

We’re coming up on end of day and the designers greet their models wearily. Dmitry fits his model beautifully and calls this a make-it-work moment. Can we just add a TM to that and call it a day?  I can only assume they do not allow the designers to go back for forgotten fabric as Sonjia’s model looks like a frog in a Midsummer Night’s Dream. Freegan’s tailored everything beautifully and his model looks crazy so that’s avant-garde right? Right. Chris loves his gown and yes it’s a bit costumey but …well I hope it works out. There are feathers and I will leave it at that. Melissa’s garment looks like a jigsaw puzzle. No surprise there. Also it’s brought to you by Crayloa as she has about 5 different primary colors baked in there. There’s a weird collar and ALL THE COLORS but I love the damn skirt so much I want to wear it to work tomorrow. All the designers interview that they HAVE to make it to Fashion Week because they’ve come this far and it would suck to go home at this point. I think we can all agree that designing a whole  freaking collection and then getting kicked off is worse. Chris can’t go home after 4 wins. Sonjia needs to make sure she kicks it up a notch. Melissa needs to finish so her model doesn’t look avant homeless.

Another Atlas and Green Mountain coffee morning, the designers look spent and can barely make it out the door. Melissa looks like she just walked out of Dick Tracy with a fedora over her unwashed hair. Sonjia’s hair looks adorable as we see her putting on makeup and then she covers it with a dashiki. DAMN HER.

OK didn’t BB Baggins do a makeup tutorial or some nonsense? Now they have to go back to the L’Oreal room and tell the make-up artists AGAIN what to do? Jesus producers that’s a waste of time.  Sleek Shine Serum blah blah. Makeup, brow and lip. There L’Oreal plug number two.

Melissa lists off a million things that she needs to do which amounts to making the garment and then Tim walks in for their standard ten minute warning. Freegan adds some sort of space orbit hat type object to his models noggin; Dmitry’s suit looks ridiculous and Melissa scotch tapes everything to her model. Tim herds his fashionista cats and off to the Runway.

Heidi looks awful this episode. She’s wearing tie dyed lace that’s been shellacked or some nonsense  (She looks like her daughter Lou designed her fucking dress out of melted crayons and Seal’s tears. WTF Heidi? ) Oh I’m sorry Freegan made a space orbit hat for himself well that’s not news. He’s wearing his pretty dress!  Oh it’s Zoe Saldana who Jen hates but I really love. She’s gorgeous and I LOVED her red pantsuit last season. Shut up Jen.

Oh fine. JUDGING. Out of nowhere, Heidi says one OR MORE OF YOU will be out.  Honestly, I think she finds messing with their heads (and ours) a delightful pastime.

Melissa – Artsy Muse

Jen:  Dear Melissa, I kinda dig this. I know, I know, let me explain dear reader.  First off, she used my favorite color palette, teal and coral.  Maybe I need to get that Artsy Muse color palette L’Oreal! (Shameless plug #3 – A) I LOVE the print on the skirt, and the peek-a-boo of color.  I LOVE the  jacket/vest thing; the collar is amazing and all together, this outfit is awesome.  When I first heard her mention leather cuffs and snaps and shit, I about lost my mind, but seeing it all pulled together, it totally works and I really dig this look.  The only thing I don’t really like, is that her coral color looks more red, which i do NOT like with teal, just fyi.  This kinda reminds me of a bitchy Snow White.  GRADE: A

A: Melissa sold her soul for a time machine because her shit was in PIECES. The skirt? YES. Love the snippet of color and the print which emphasizes the cut of the skirt. Jeeee- NIUS. And while I like the vest, I am meh on the rest. I don’t think the cuffs add anything other than a feeble cry of heeyyyy! We’re avant-garde! However, this is so clearly a Melissa outfit which I love. Her point of view clearly comes across and you can tell it’s hers from the get go. GRADE: B-

Freegan – Enchanted Queen

Jen:  Oh look at me, I’m artsy fartsy and I like to turn jackets upside down.  Usually I would insert some more snarky comments here, but I kinda like the jacket turned upside down. However, what he did next is horrific.  I HATE this dress, oh wait, it’s actually PALAZZO PANTS. Gag me with a spoon people.  I hate them.  I also hate the black streamers he has going down the model’s chest.  He had a chance to turn this around when he re-conceptualized this jacket, but he failed miserably.  Damnit Freegan. GRADE:  B-

A: OK fine the jacket thing is pretty cool. But I thought he would do something OUT OF THIS WORLD INSANE. Instead he made sheer curtains with some ribbons, boy shorts and a reversible jacket. The color looks rich and queeny (at ease Korsy) but the hair style doesn’t match the look and the pants certainly don’t match the quality of the jacket. I am disappointed in the lack of edginess from the Freegan. GRADE: C+

Dmitry – Wise Mystic

Jen: Welp, she seems pretty mystical.  Shake it fast! Watch Yourself! Shake it fast! Show me whatcha workin with! (I always thought it was shake yo’ ass? Am I hearing white again? – A) Ahh, I love that song. Anywho, I really dig this.  I didn’t quite understand the Avant Garde aspect of it, until the judges pointed out that the devil is in the details.  I LOVE the fucking cutouts on the side of this skirt. Sweet baby Jesus. I love the details on the front and the deep V back.  I DO NOT LIKE (and don’t think ANY woman would like) the zipper ending at the model’s asshole.   I also don’t like the fucking collar.  But all together, I dig this powersuit for a bitchy executive! GRADE:  A

A: Ok I now feel like Tim is going to pop into my bedroom and ask me to define avant-garde. Because I really don’t see it here. Yes – the tailoring of this suit is divine, the color spectacular and the detailing perfect. But it’s a SUIT. The back gives the element of surprise for sure and the cutouts in the skirt are sexy as hell but again, AVANT GARDE is not a suit! It’s Missy Elliot’s giant garbage bag or Gaga’s meat suit. Both of which confuse me but I still remember both of them. Dmitry – I love it. But that usually means it’s not avant-garde. GRADE: B+

Sonjia- Seductive Temptress

Jen:  Call me crazy, but I really like this. What I DO NOT like, is an African-American designer choosing the LIGHTEST COLOR MESH for her African-American model.  Frankly, I’m disturbed she used mesh at all! GAG! It’s so ice skater! If she could have found a way to make the top connect WITHOUT using the dreaded mesh, she would have been the winner and THAT would have been avant-garde. I LOVE this green with her model’s skin tone, but I hate the design of the fabric. I agree with the judges, it looks like a fucking tablecloth.  This dress fits the model perfectly and I love the styling with the hair down.  GRADE:  B+

A: Haaaaate. Total student project with the mesh and the random draping. And yes, no mesh would greatly improve this look and show off some serious skills but can we agree she looks like black Ariel the underwater hoarder? I would have loved a completely open back on this dress. Yes the right side looks like a discarded absinthe napkin. I think a wire in the skirt or something to make the dress less mermaidish would have been more avant-garde. Korsy: “It looks like Nancy Kerrigan skated through a banquet hall.” HAHAHAHA. Sonjia gets sassy right back but nope. No Ma’am. GRADE: D

Chris – Enchanted Queen

Jen:  Since Chris is himself an enchanted queen (Truth – A), I had a feeling he would knock this out of the park.  While it wasn’t a home run, I kinda like this, and to me it’s totally avant-garde from the hot mess hairdo right now to the feathers on her arms. Nowhere else but on a model for an avant-garde challenge would anyone want to see exaggerated hips.  But somehow, this is just so awesome! It reminds me of Mrs. Havisham in a black wedding dress. I agree with the judges that the top should have fit the models bosom better, but the back makes up for that. From the feathers to the corset back, I just die for the back of this dress. Absolutely breathtaking. GRADE:  A

A: Of all the garments, this one hits the mark at avant-garde. Mostly because the model looks batshit crazy and it’s my blog so I can say whatever I want. I agree with Nina that Chris tried too many ideas at once and it doesn’t convey well. I do love the feather forearms even though they bring it right into costume territory but it’s weird so it works. The back of the dress looks lovely and interesting. Those crazy molded hips work perfectly for the garment (Sonjia PAY ATTENTION) and really add that avant-garde feel. The front does leave the model looking a little deflated especially with the dramatic hip flare but overall Chris did a great job.

Heidi rode the ugly bus in as she hates Melissa’s and Fabio’s garments while defending Sonjia’s. Michael and Nina look at her like she’s crazy and we all just assume she’s pregnant again and her eyes are bad. Zoe’s comments were right on point as usual (sorry Jen) when she says Sonjia’s garment looked unfinished and Freegan’s unflattering. (why the fuck does Zoe Saldana sound like she is a 85-year-old smoker?! – J) 

The judges all go out of their way complimenting the designers on a great job which surprises both me and Jen since neither one of us truly love anything. But then comes the question: Why should you make it to Fashion Week? Who would you take with you? Heidi poking at their emotions and fears again. I think we can all seek comfort in the fact that all the designers have wanted the opportunity since they were kids and they’ve worked so hard and this will save their lives. Judges you’re down to FIVE designers who all have more talent that probably 45% of established designers who will already be at Fashion Week. Just cut them loose and get to the judging!

Finally the judges begin to comment on the avant garde runway and incorporate past judging which makes a shit ton of sense when you’re looking at the designers as a whole. The designers shit their pants (Freegan his dress) backstage  and talk about being proud to make it this far when you know they’re all hoping someone else gets the axe.

I love every moment of the fashion flashbacks – Dmitry’s Candy Dress (YES!), Melissa’s Bloodline Dress, Sonjia’s PacMan Pant, Chris’s Skyline Rockette outfit. All amazing.

WHO IS GOING TO FASHION WEEK!?!?!?!

Drumrollllll….

Dmitry, Melissa, Chris and Freegan. (Which I did NOT see coming at all. Sonjia>Fabio – J) 

I can see why Sonjia’s not chosen. She’s an amazing tailor and seamstress but her point of view is still rough. The judges couldn’t point to one garment and say that’s a Sonjia right there. Girl we will see you on an All-Stars!

Proj Run Ep: 11 “It’s Fashion Baby”

The electronics Gods have turned around and sent me a new iPhone5, a Nook Glowlight and an unwatched Project Runway Episode. WOO HOO! Also? There’s six designers left. SIX. So we begin…

Atlas. Morning. Freegan’s wearing an ugly hat of epic proportions. I can’t even talk about Sonjia’s choice in headwear. (I can! Has she graduated to a fucking Pocahontas braided headband?! Or digressed? Either way I’m beginning to wonder why she needs things on her head at all times. Assume to better hold her crazy in!? –J) Elena begins an interview and I barely listen to her as I can’t get past her eyelashes. Where’s Sarah Colonna on her Segway? Either way, Elena’s ready for war. War apparently begins at Babies R Us. The designers look appropriately horrified.

Dmitry:  “We’re in a baby store and Heidi’s there with her…105 kids.” Dmitry? That’s some Chris-level snark.  (I’m convinced Chris took over Dmitry’s body for this episode a la Ghost Dad because Dmitry had the most zingers this episode! I die. — J)  In Heidi news, white eyeliner makes her eyes look CRAZY! Heidi designed a line for Babies R Us called Truly Scrumptious and it’s allegedly affordable.  Although a fleece toddler hoodie for $30 seems a bit much but what do I know?  The challenge is to create a look that works with Heidi’s line, it will be produced and sold at Babies R Us.  Each winning outfit will sell as a set.  Heidi gives them fabric and NOTIONS to ensure their look is cohesive with the line. Shockingly they will use actual babies rather than teeny adults. Stylish NYC moms push toddlers out and line up beside Heidi.  They’re gorgeous, teeny drooling people.  Dmitry is horrified, “This will be like making an outfit for a cat.”  The button bag assigns the designers to their babies.  And hilariously Dmitry actually gets the baby with Dmitry hair. (OMG, I thought the SAME THING! Ha! – J) I love it! Well-played producers, well-played.  Elena interviews that Chris won all the produced challenges so she wants to win this one to take it away from him.  Nice Elena. (Poor Elena, the only interactions she’s had with babies thus far has been sacrificing them to the Ukrainian Gods–J) There will be two winners — one for each gender so in theory, they could both win.  Except they both get girls so oh well Elena.  Chris gets really excited about his toddler as she’s wearing cheetah print shoes. The kid is incredibly adorable.  Her mom on the other hand? Ehhh….

They sketch and chat with the mom’s for 30 minutes. Baby Dmitry’s mom likes a modern look and Dmitry’s thinking a jumpsuit.  Freegan’s kid eats his shoe so that’s perfect for him. (BWAHAHAHA-J)  Shoe Eater’s mom is typical East Village who likes to buy vintage-y jumpsuits.  The Shoe Eater’s mom says he has a big head; the camera agrees.  But damn he’s adorable.  All the moms want is comfortable and easy. No one asks for puke or poop-proof.  Amateurs. Except for Chris’s Bad Hair Mom who likes a classic look and opinions.  Which is good because she has all the opinions in the world ever. Like a pet store, there are babies everywhere.  Pet Baby Co? No? Whatever, they’re adorable and putting everything in their mouths.

Heidi looks especially evil when she mentions the dossier and SPECIAL SURPRISE left for them back at Parson’s. Sweet baby Jesus. The designers are no fools and know they’re up Shit’s Creek when they walk into the workroom and see teeny plastic babies. The ones high school counselors give to teenage girls to not get pregnant. Dmitry is all “WHY DO WE HAVE THOSE BABIES?!” Because they have to take care of them. They’re creepy as hell. Tim says these are like real babies then won’t go near them and it’s hilarious. The baby will randomly cry and the designers have to do one of three things: rock it, feed it or change it. Plus? They only have to 9:30PM that night which surely means that there will be several late night awakenings for the designers to do one or all of the three above. Who thought it would be a good idea to give Elena an infant even a plastic one? She can’t even sacrifice this one on an altar. Honestly.

The designers Baby Bjorn up and make nice with their teeny plastic charges.  Dmitry asks if anyone else has a black baby and then asks Sonjia to switch. HAHAHAHAHA. Cultural insensitivity is hilarious when it comes from Dmitry. There’s all sorts of cranky sounds coming from these babies and Sonjia rightfully says she did NOT sign up to be a mom. Damn those German torture strategies! All the babies start wailing at once. The designers bounce, shake and talk to their infants. Dmitry says his baby’s name is Brandon, “What’s your’s?” Elena: “Asshole” BAHAHAHA. Everyone’s freaking out because they have SHIT TO DO. Freegan adorably sweet talks to his baby saying “Honey. I need to work sweetie.” (Frenchie commented that she though Freegan would make a great daddy one day.  After he starts actually buying food that is. –J) Dmitry is all THE BABY IS NOT REAL FABIO. It’s sweet but your baby will not eat garbage FREEGAN. Dmitry immediately says I will not be having babies anytime soon. (After he calls his baby an ungrateful little brat…AHHAHHAHAHAH-J)  Blah blah design – snaps, pull-down pants and easy to wear.

After what seems like no work time, Freegan’s baby turns up the asshole and begins SHRIEKING.  I love that he immediately goes parental defensive and says “I’m polite and my baby is polite” when Sonjia accuses his baby of starting the crying melee. There is a sudden rash of baby crying and general doll shit-headedness but whether that’s an editing function or Freegan’s asshole baby I cannot ascertain. Chris pipes up “Now I know why Judy went off the deep end with Liza” HAHAHAHAHA. Oh sassy gay baby reference. Chris is all WHAT DO YOU FUCKING WANT BABY?!?! And then asks for a drink. Atta girl. I assume work happens during this time of bitching and crying but I haven’t seen much.  (Best line in this scene is Freegan’s side eye to Chris, “Yo baby is actin’ up.” BWAHAHA–J)

Tim walks in to do a critiquing sesh and of course, Heidi and her freaky makeup are in tow. The designers all seem shocked that Heidi came in for a quick check-in (like she wouldn’t when it’s her line on the line). The editors do an amazing job at making it sound like the babies calm merely with Heidi’s presence. She asks them how they all like their surprise and Chris immediately snarks: “FANTASTIC!” And then Heidi says you all need to know what it’s like to have a baby. To which my husband immediately responds “Shut the fuck up Heidi. YOU don’t even know what it’s like to have a baby without 5 nannies.” That’s my man y’all. Calling shit straight. The designers are all IT’S SO HARD. Heidi, with her professional makeup and size 4 dress, agrees that it is hard which makes every working mother who is not a former supermodel with millions at their disposal throw things at their TVs. Chris gives sass look because he knows.

Oh! Some work to show! Elena’s making an adorable little baby blazer that shockingly does not look like a football player uniform. Freegan’s putting together an adorable John-John jumper that he’s lining with a cute monster print. Dmitry’s jumpsuit looks like a firefighter’s outfit. (Or a Super Mario Halloween costume-J) Sonjia calls it homeless while wearing a dashiki. Shut up Sonjia. Although her little sweat suit that looks like a grown-up Tim Gunn suit is adorable. She rocked out a sassy jacket already – Sultan skills! Chris makes a cute white jacket and states repeatedly that the mom was very specific. Melissa calls him out for making the same jacket she made two challenges ago which I don’t buy for a single second. (Total bitch moment from Melissa. Back up! Not all white jackets look the same! — J) Tim’s very surprised that the mom asked for white but Chris is like… SHE WAS SPECIFIC. Heidi agrees it’s a one-and-done outfit but adorable. Melissa has her own problems when Heidi walks up to her and says “Don’t I have those pants already?” Oh. Uh…a rhetorical question from Heidi NIEN. She gives Melissa the Klum stare down which is waaaay scarier with that eye makeup. (Europeans have no emotions – J) Answer to rhetorical question? Yep. Scrumptious has it in turquoise. Heidi is bored. Denim jacket with a hood? Meh. Leggings she already produced? There’s not very much design, no “fun fact” which I think she means fun factor. Oh Heidi. But more appropriately, oh Melissa.

Tim asks if it was a nice treat to have Heidi pop in. The designers say “Yes!” but really mean NO on the inside because Heidi brings horribleness whenever she walks into the room. Guys, these designers look so incredibly tired. And then Heidi does the whole there’s one more thing..a little twist. See? Horriblness!  Heidi says she wants to do something nice for the moms who lobbied hard to debut their kids on TV. Now they get to make a companion outfit for the mom! They get an additional day! Melissa strokes out. Chris mimes digging his own grave and why the editors don’t use that golden opportunity to have all the babies wail at once, I don’t know. Maybe after commercials which tout a NEW ALL-STARS. SQUEEEEE!!!!!! (YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!! – J)

Only the commercials DON’T TALK ABOUT THE ALL-STARS. Damn you Lifetime.

Back from commercials and they replay Heidi saying “I love a little twist.” I think a Rockette kicked her in the head. She’s annoying this episode. So they have 15 minutes to sketch the mom’s outfit and then they will head to Mood with the damn faux-infants. Those poor poor folks at Mood. Elena begs to be shot and Melissa’s really just crying. She knows she needs to start all over again and now had two outfits, not just one. Sonjia sketches something and is inordinately excited about it. Sonjia: designers sketch even if you don’t. Not no one is as excited as you are. NOT NO ONE.

Y’all I need to take a moment for Elena’s outfit. WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL’S ANGELS HAPPENED TO YOUR LEGS ELENA?!?!!?!? No. NO MA’AM. I can’t even begin to approve of this…this…horrificness. Whatever spell check it’s a word. She asks Swatch to be her baby and Swatch is all HELL NO WOMAN – ARE YOU CRAZY!?

There’s quite a bit of focus on Chris’s choice of gorgeous de la Renta flowered fabric that matches his design beautifully without getting matchy-matchy. Clearly there will be an issue with this fabric. Melissa decides to make a shift dress FOR THE TODDLER. Who the what? why? Oh Melis.

The day ends and commercials begin with nary a mention to the All-Stars episode. Did I hallucinate the promo?

Ass-crack at Atlas and the producers have evilly put cribs in the designer’s rooms for the plastic crying machines. Dmitry rolls over and we see that he placed his teeny baby in Ven’s bed. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He says, “I forgot. I’m a father now” completely deadpan without a trace of irony.  (BWAHAHAHAHA, Oh Dmitry. I fucking love you. – J)

The designers caffeinate up and they look like SHIT ya’ll. I imagine sleep, already scarce, failed to pay a single designer a visit the previous night. Tim, who looks fresh as a gay daisy (gaisy?), pops in and asks how they’re doing. “Are you tired?” he asks. I actually see the murder pass through Elena’s eyes when Dmitry says, “I barely had time to put my pants on this morning.” Damn that man can deliver a line. Tim announces that he will take the babies to day care and the designers literally shriek with joy. It’s hilarious and much how I imagine my friends with one-year olds react when someone unexpectedly takes care of their children. (THANK GOD, even I was growing tired of these Heidi implemented torture devices. – J) Tim loads the plastic babies into a Radio Flyer and the minute he walks out the door Elena says, “Good because I was just going to neglect him anyways.” Filled with rainbows and unicorns that one.

There’s sewing, cutting and shit talking. Elena asks Sonjia the secret to draping a dress. Chris immediately clutches his pearls and passes out. However when Sonjia says that before she got to Project Runway she too had never draped anything, it looked like the guys needed to be peeled off the ceiling. Elena then starts asking Dmitry how to do some of these things and when he responds you have to hand sew everything Elena is all well that blows, no wonder it always takes you so long. GOD ELENA. Have you won a challenge? No? Now STFU.

Dmitry’s outfit looks weird – TOTALLY superhero meets European pant hems but the look is 100% Dmitry. Sonjia’s little jacket is adorable and fits well. The teeny jacket Melissa made is adorable but we don’t see the dress. Chris’s mom-client hates her outfit. I hate her hair. Then she hates the print. Remember that GORGEOUS de la Renta silk? YEAH. SHE HATES IT.(BITCH BACK THE FUCK UP– J) She literally hates everything saying her dress looks like her mother’s tablecloth in the 1970s. Wow. Her mom had some money for silk tablecloths but apparently none for taste. Chris freaks out. She’s kind of a bitch. (She hates the ADORABLE dress he has made for her ADORABLE BABY that I wouldn’t hesitate to kidnap. But she doesn’t hate the hairdresser who gave her African-American ass blonde weave?!?! Bitch, please. – J) Hey – did we tell you we think she’s a royal bitch? Good. Want to make sure that comes through in the above paragraph.

Sonjia tickles my funny bone when she goes to comfort Chris and says, “Who? Mary J. Blige? Girl please.” HAHAHAHA. (Thanks for backing me up girl- J) Although let’s take a moment to agree that Nancy bitch-pants ain’t got shit on Mary J. aka the queen of R&B. Chris makes the executive decision that it’s about Heidi and not Blonde Tattoo McCuntyface so he finishes up everything as best he can.

Runway Day!

The boys all agree to not help Melissa out. She got herself into this mess and it’s down to six so bye girl BYE. I don’t blame them as the competition winds down and shit gets real right about now. Elena drinks coffee staring out the window and am I the only one who expected her to open it and launch herself onto 7th Avenue? She doesn’t but I can neither confirm nor deny that she didn’t consider it. Sonjia pulls out yet another head wrap and why doesn’t she LET HER HEAD BE?!?! Blue hair and all!? They wearily head out to Parson’s and get their asses to work.

Mary J. Blige’s Crappleganger comes in and immediately apologizes to Chris saying she thought he was upset. Um. READ THE ROOM MUCH? Chris takes it in stride and says yes, he was upset but this is going to be a great day and really, it’s all about Heidi loving the look. He manages to leave out the “NOT  YOUR ASS” but I added it  in my head so it made me feel better. Dmitry’s outfit looks like a fire hydrant. How does this outfit look stranger and stranger every time I see it but he doesn’t change anything? Maybe he should sell it as a trompe l’ oeil? Freegan’s John-John outfit looks ADORABLE on the large-headed, shoe-devouring child. He added some great detail with the monster print – a little pocket in the back and some piping. However, both Freegan and Dmitry eye Sonjia’s PRECIOUS little sweat suit – complete with a suit jacket and trousers – knowing beating her  is not in the cards. The girl toddler outfits don’t compare. Chris’s dress looks like a garden, covered in white flowers and a sassy little jacket. It’s completely precious and completely impractical like, well, kids. Oddly, Elena’s mom outfit looks great. She made this awesome shirt that sexy Asian mom looks fabulous in and a classy skirt. Meh to the bebe’s outfit. Melissa? Oh she’s asking the MOM to sew on a button!?!? (WOW Melissa, I’m all for people helping you out, but this is getting a tad bit ridiculous.- J) She knows she’s scraping bottom and acts appropriately shamed. The mom’s get some L’Oreal love and Freegan does not ask to give his mom a mullet or something manly. One can only assume that after the last challenge the L’Oreal guys cornered him and threw him into a fully stocked grocery store as penance. When Tim comes into call time, Dmitry’s little man can barely stay awake and Dmitry says “He needs to really sell this look.” (Dmitry is serious and I die laughing. Dmitry, regardless of if you win or lose, you won my heart this challenge with your hilarity. – J) Melissa? She’s still sewing the mom’s shorts. He’s all “I am calling time Melissa. You need to stop. NOW.” As no one defies the Great Gunn, she immediately stands up and says it had to come sometime.

 

Finally, I get my damn promo for All-Stars. Oh LORD – Casanova, Joshua, Anthony, Ivy AND Emilio?! Holy shitsnacks JD! Early Snarkmas for all!!! October 25th y’all. WOOT WOOT!

Freegan

Jen:  First off, let’s give this baby props. He totally rocked the high-water pants. Maybe he needs them in his judges-appointed career as a sailor. I didn’t get that from this outfit. I thought the hat looked stupid and just wasn’t really a fan. As for the mom, I love the bright blue shoes, but when she first walked out I thought she was wearing military camouflage. Not cute. At all. The flower print looks like my grandma’s couch.  GRADE:  B

A: Maybe cause its baby-palooza in my life, but I love this little outfit. The pockets in front and in back look adorable. The nod to John-John and then to Jackie O in the dress is perfect. Look at the swag on that kid! Plus he refrains from eating his feet on the runway. I do agree the length is a bit off but you see this in baby clothes all the time. Mom’s rocking some hot legs in this dress. I particularly like the hem in the back that just skims the knee. Very classic cut that’s very flattering. Meh to the print but everything else looks great. GRADE: A

Melissa

Jen:  Love how Melissa was all, “Oh Chris is stealing my jacket” then the bitch pulls out a white dress, which is almost EXACTLY what Chris did. Ugh. Anywho, I totally liked the baby outfit. Cute  jacket and cute dress, but when the baby turns around and you see that horrific smiley face she did on the back, I lose all confidence in this look.  The mom’s shorts? I can’t. But I do like the vest top. GRADE:  C+

A: This baby is GORGEOUS. And I love the little vest jacket using the Truly Scrumptious monster face. But the sheath dress? FOR A BABY? Fail. Honestly Melissa? This is shit. And you know it. She’s cracking and needs to pull it together. The dress doesn’t fit the baby. The sack shorts look HORRIBLE on this poor mother. And apparently seeing the diaper is tantamount to shivving mothers on the street. Do you think anyone has ever seen Alexander Garcia’s diaper? No ma’am. Not under Nina’s watch. GRADE: C-

Dmitry

Jen:  I wrote, “Here comes Super Mario” to which Frenchie added, “with his KKK hood.” Bwahahaha. So so true. I DIE for the mom’s dress. It is SO chic and cute with those fabulous shoes! I just love it! The kid… eeek. When resident Latina said he looked like a crayon, I almost spit out my Cheetos. Nail meet head. Perfect description.  I did, however, like that the KKK hood became a cape. But WHY didn’t he showcase THAT!?   Dmitry let this challenge get away from him, but at least he did a fabulous adult outfit, ’cause let’s face it, that’s all we truly care about. GRADE:  B (Although A++++ for mom’s outfit!)

A: Good Lord this is so European – the color, the hem, the odd fit and of course, the hood. He does look like crayon that just sprouted legs. It’s cute but very costume-y and not even in spitting distance of Heidi’s line. The fit isn’t great but it’s a bit hard to tell since babies are always scrunched up. I would have loved to see some shoes on this kid. The mom’s outfit looks fine but I can’t see much past the blind rage of her body with a toddler. Bitch. GRADE: C

Sonjia

Jen:  I mean, could this baby ginger be ANY CUTER!?!? He totally rocked the runway better than the real models do!  This baby outfit is just too cute. I can totally see my nephew and godson sporting it.  It’s versatile and adorable. Plus? It looks like a smoking jacket like a baby Hugh Hefner. Frenchie’s dad, visiting from out-of-town, commented that the mom looked like ” The Real Housewife of Little House on the Prairie.” Let’s all just take a moment and die laughing at that one.  I, however, disagree because I think this skirt is FABULOUS!!! I love the mom’s outfit! Let’s be real, Sonjia needed to shorten that skirt JUUUUST a tad so this mom doesn’t pull a Britney and take a tumble carrying her baby. Safety first bitches. GRADE: A

A: This kid kills me. Mad swagger on this little shit. He’s adorable and I want this outfit for every little boy I know. The Tshirt looks great underneath the “suit” jacket but could go just as well with jeans. Same with the jacket. Sonjia created a whole look with separates. Brilliant. Ehhh not so much of a fan of the mom’s skirt. Us hiptastic folks should wear a giant fabric knot at our largest part never. But I do love the little jacket she’s rocking. Awesome job Sonjia! GRADE: A+

Jen:  All that bitching and moaning, and finally Mary J. came to her senses and finally liked the ADORABLE baby outfit Chris made her ADORABLE baby. I don’t care that I don’t have a husband, a boyfriend or any prospects.  If I decide to have a baby, she’s wearing this dress. It’s SOOO CUTE.  Brunch is the PERFECT place to wear this. Or a tea party. Either way, this li’l model is rocking it! The mom…meh. Frenchie commented that she had a big ol’ ass. Welp, that doesn’t help her much in this dress. I like the dress, not too crazy about the print but it absolutely compliments the baby’s outfit. And I don’t care what Melissa or the judges say, this baby jacket is TO DIE FOR. Even in miniature size. GRADE:  A++

A: This kid better have a modeling contract by now. I assume Heidi snatched her up as soon as taping finished as she’s PRECIOUS. This dress is perfect for an Easter Sunday  or brunch or cocktail baby hour  – whichever! The jacket works in many different scenarios so the flexibility is great. The little hair piece is divine and man does that kid know how to rock an outfit. Her mother. Well… I think Chris could have done a better job with the fit around the hips / butt area. However, that pattern looks beautiful on her skin tone. A different shoe choice is the only thing I would recommend here and an attitude adjustment. GRADE: A+

Elena

Jen:  Let us all take a moment, and be glad Elena didn’t eat her baby, fake or real. This baby is so cute, it’s so sad she has to wear every color from Gap Kids in one outfit. The pants. Ew. Green and pink? Not today. The jacket? STOP THE PRESSES. SOOO cute! Why didn’t she pair it with a cute white top and skirt? WHYYYYYY!!!! I love the mom’s skirt. But the top…EEEEK. The front is cute but guurrrrl, that back is horrific. When the baby came out for judging and Elena cooed at her, I could SEE the sheer fear in that poor baby’s eyes! GRADE:  C

A: Again, precious baby! But if Elena thinks she’s beating Chris with Rainbow Bright vomit she’s sorely mistaken. Again, she over-designed and under-delivered. Now I LOVE the mom’s top sans the droopy shark fin but the detail in the back looks great. Also? That mom looks FABULOUS. Whore. Totally agree that a white top and little skirt (NO RUFFLES) would have perfect with the baby jacket. GRADE: C-

Chris and Sonjia each win in their category. And Nina is the only judge that hates Elena’s jacket and it causes an awesome stare down between Elena and Nina. Oh Elena you’ll never win that one or anything because you’re out. And Melissa gets lucky again because she’s the one who deserved to go. Neither the guest judge Hilary Duff (whom clearly won the trifecta queen from Amanda Bynes and Lindsey Lohan) nor Korsy had anything of value to say today so we bid a heartfelt cheery good-bye to FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKELENA who you all know we will see on an All-Stars challenge.

Or as Jen’s roommate’s father eloquently put it:“Yes! The Russian Mobster got whacked! Oh well, she can always marry an American.”  LORD HELP US ALL.

Project Runway: Ep: 10 – I Get A Kick Out of Fashion

Y’all the Electronics Gods have abandoned me. A) I cracked my phone. B) The ocean stole my Nook and C) My DVR ate last week’s Proj Run. Thank goodness for the Internet although I actually pointed the remote at my computer screen and hit pause. Sigh.

Atlas in the morning! Freegan and Dmitry miss Gunnar. Freegan slept in his bed which weird but it’s Freegan. Gunnar apparently woke up with a shit ton of energy because he’s 22 and that’s what you do in your early 20s. Ven and Chris move in with rest of the boys and the female-to-male score is 3/4 in favor of the boys.  (Ven seems to be completely oblivious to the fact that he is a total douchebag– J) Get ’em ladies! Except you Elena. Sonjia lists out who’s won and flat-out says the only one who hasn’t won shit is Elena. (BURN!) Elena interviews that in order to win she must choose better fabrics, get out of her comfort zone and to manage her stress level. I predict that will last about 3 seconds. Anyone want to bet against me? Didn’t think so. Also her nail polish is bright yellow.  (I hate Elena and her bangs. Frenchie’s thoughts on Elena’s revamping of herself, “Get a new attitude bitch!” I concur– J)

RADIO CITY  MUSIC HALL – the undisclosed location to meet Tim!  Sonjia has a new Dashiki; it’s red and I hate it.  Tim intros the Rockettes (of course) and they do lots of kick lines. Freegan pretends like there’s nothing better than front row at the Rockettes when really all he wants a large Dumpster. Let’s be real. At a crescendo, the curtain opens and it’s Heidi looking like a Christmas ornament! She joins the kickers for their last kick line and Chris is DYING! Dmitry acts like Heidi turns him on. Not really. Tim calls it thrilling. Meh – not so much TG.  (I wrote the following about this scene:  Chris is having a gay spaz attack over these damn Rockettes and Dmitry made a heterosexual comment about Heidi. No sir, no one is buying that –J)

Their challenge is to design a costume for the Rockettes and the winning design will be produced and worn by the Rockettes during a performance. Heidi keeps smiling and saying ISN’T THAT AMAZING. She looks crazy with all that makeup y’all.  Heidi wants the designers to think about the plebeians who sit in the cheap seats. Tim urges them to embrace a modern aesthetic since the audience is contemporary and the Rockettes are old-timey. They have some costumes at the front of the house to study and sketch from.

Now Dmitry with his professional ballroom dancing ass has this shit covered. Work it out D! Melissa gathers inspiration from Radio City and Art Deco then says “I’m using shocking pink.” Sure OK.  In a previous life Elena made a dance costume (for Satan? BWAHAHA-J)) so she’s all good. Oh Elena. You’re hilariously short-sighted. Freegan wants to make something see through. I assume it will have vaginas. Clearly fabric choice is a giant part of this challenge so off to Mood and let’s see if Elena’s little resolution pays off.  It’s Sequins and PINK and Glitter and Crystals! (Not strippers). Dashiki feels uninspired; Ven starts bitching about some crystals and then Elena loses her shit. So basically the usual Mood trip. Elena hates her colors, curses and then says “This is going to be the death of me.” How’s the stress level management going? And then goes about $150 over budget. Tim washes his hands of her and Melissa just smirks. No love loss there. And it begins, Elena interviews all THE SEQUINED FABRIC ISN’T AFFORDABLE. Um. There are 6 other designers here boo boo. And they’re making shit happen so shut the hell up. I am so so tired of her.

Back to the workroom and I see that Chris and I have the same purse! YAY!  The designers have two days for this challenge and only have until 7:30PM that night as they’re going out to a lovely dinner. After some interviewing about how isn’t that nice and blah blah the insanity begins. Elena immediately starts bitching about her fabric and the sparkles. Then manically chases after Dmitry as he walks by yelling at him for picking out blue like it’s his fault. He wants to punch her in the face over and over but restrains himself. Bless that man.

Melissa cuts her fabric into about 1000 different patterns and then announces she’s going to hand bead. Oh Melissa.  Ven is all you don’t have to over embellish. Um. Yes Ven, you do. Do you think Heidi dressed up like stocking for nothing? He’s keeping clean lines and a simple style.  (IT’S THE ROCKETTES YOU FUCKING MORON! Sparkle bitch, sparkle! –J)

Chris is wearing Sonjia’s dashiki and sunglasses. I love him and want him to be my best friend. Even Elena loves being around him and calls him a one-man show. Furreal y’all. Look at this crazy bitch. LOVE!  (I knew I loved this sweet man from Day 1.  When I saw he had on Sonjia’s dashiki, I almost pissed my pants laughing.  I MUST hang out with him – J)

Chris asks Sonjia what her sketch looks like as she’s ambling about and she’s all “Girl please – you know I don’t sketch.” That shizz is CRAY CRAY and fucking impressive. Oh Sonjia. Bless you and your white doppleganger. Chris looks like he just walked off of Grey Gardens which makes me love him even more. Get it little Edie!

The designers pack it in and head off to their lovely dinner where they think that they won’t talk about the competition. We get some Broll to that effect and then Sonjia blurts out that she wants more Mood time. Thanks Editors! She does wish she had more time as she never found her groove and begins to stress. Who decided the seating arrangements? Elena apologizes to Dmitry for being a bitch sometimes. But then caveats it with the whole, “it’s the situation, I am never like this.”  Dmitry’s all WINE IS WORKING. He takes Elena’s apology with a grain of salt and then says the Ven really opened up. Y’all wine is the nectar of the gods for a reason.

VEN IS TWENTY-EIGHT?!?! Jesus. He looks older and should probably drop a few LBs. He’s the youngest and felt alone playing in the snow all by himself. Blah blah. Dmitry’s from Belarus and Elena’s Ukrainian. I can’t imagine you’re going to get a shit ton of sympathy from them.  (Ven blames his douche-baggery on being a semi-only child. A likely excuse. I don’t buy it asshole! -J)

 It’s the next day and immediately Ven starts talking shit about Dmitry’s outfit. Sigh. Chris feels that everyone is off their game especially since Sonjia is still draping and not committing to anything. Uh…Chris that was you last challenge so shut your face.  Oh no. Sonjia has meltdown face with meltdown dashiki. No bueno. Melissa painstakingly cuts out 1800 pieces of fabric and even Freegan is all who the what with that?  (OMG, Melissa cuts her dress into 18 pattern pieces! Wait, what the fuck does that mean? LOL – J) Chris basically wants to be in the Rockettes as he sashays, chantees and generally acts a fool. Elena pulls on her majorette outfit and jumps around like a lunatic. Oh! Guys, Chris’s outfit is AMAZING with the NYC outline and the shimmery shiny things. What? It’s so pretty.

Knower of all-fashion Tim Gunn pops in to review and gives his usual “How is everyone doing?” They can barely respond and Tim knows he’s in for a serious review sesh. He walks over to Sonjia and immediately says “You look disabled.” BAHAHAHA!  “Disabled” is Tim code for “Breakdown Face” Sonjia picked a beautiful color purple for her skirt except it’s all feathers. Then Sonjia looks at Tim and says, “I don’t know what am I doing.” Poor Tim, he really provides constant mental health care to these designers. Tim tells her to give her damn Rockette a top as it’s not that kind of show Sonjia.  Elena’s just staring at her costume like it may just jump up and design itself. Which, judging by what I see, it would surely throw itself into the nearest fire. Her costume looks like a drill team costume. I know because I was on one and that’s what it looked like. Tim’s all “Yeah you need to stare at that some more and make it not hideous.”  But he did shriek quite loudly upon viewing the horribleness.

Dmitry’s outfit looks super pretty and very him – geometric, architectural and well… blue (Fine ELENA you get ONE PASS).  Tim asks for more fringe and Dmitry agrees. Freegan is the gayest we have ever seen him when he says “The sequins are being a bitch.” Ahem. They’re being bitches Freegan. Apparently you lost your grammar in a Dumpster. (BWAHAHAHAHA – J) Tim asks Freegan to look at his two designs side-by-side and then says “Bitch slap that bitch!” I love it.  (Thank you, Tim Gunn- J)

Chris’s costume needs more length – about a foot more as it’s all crotch. The top looks gorgeous and you can clearly see the outline of NYC.  Tim really likes it and cautions Chris to execute perfectly as so much can go so wrong. MMM HMM PREACH TG!

In the land of a 100000000 pieces, Tim tells Melissa to get shit moving. You need pop and sequins and shine Melis – remember the cheap seats! She’s losing it a bit since she doesn’t have the time to hand bead everything. Tim’s all yeah no, you don’t.

Ven made a dress. Excuse me as I wake myself from a Ven-induced nap. Tim points out that he needs Ven to rock this out. The fabric looks beautiful but it’s not enough.

Tim’s concerned about their resources and their clear lack of urgency. Despite himself, he’s sending them back to Mood with $100 and 15 minutes to shop. Elena acts like it’s Christmas morning. But  Chris knows what’s up: “AKA YOU’RE ALL FUCKED. Change all your fabrics. GET IN THE VAN.” HAHAHAHAH. It’s funny because it’s true. Freegan raises his hand and when Tim calls on him he asks to stay; immediately Ven and Dmitry ask for same.  And for the first time ever,  Elena and I are in agreement with “Are you fucking crazy!?”  No one likes anything. Um Chris to Melissa’s rescue with $50, black sequins and a big hug. Sonija’s trying to be diligent; she’s buying more feathers. There is no connection there. Elena basically buys more fucking sparkles and then complains about it. JESUS WOMAN.

Back in the workroom Ven calls his dress “loud” and then the dress calls him “thin” – opposite day! The models come in for their fitting and Elena’s model is in love with the shinetastrophe of Elena’s outfit. They have blind models?! That’s so PC of Proj Run! Meanwhile, Sonjia’s talking to her man on Skype. Oh Heeeyyyyyy! He’s gorgeous. Get it girl! She then just says she needs to commit to a top. Yes Sonjia, yes you do.

Melissa has all her shit everywhere. There’s hot glue guns happening and general insanity. Ven helps Melissa out by doing some hand-stitching and when the zipper flies off her outfit EVERYONE jumps in to try to re-attach it. Jesus take the wheel! (Lord knows this bitch better give everyone a handy J tonight, because EVERYONE came to her rescue this challenge!  -J) Dmitry begins making duck noises at Sonji costume and I can’t help but laugh. Chris chimes in and says Sonjia made booty shorts and feathers. (Bwahahaha, thank you Chris for basically writing our posts for us. -J)

L’Oreal Ad time! Slick Shine Creme. Serum. L’OREAL. Get on that.

Freegan asks for a HAIR TURBAN. I can’t. (What in the who?! – J) Sonjia puts more feathers in her model’s hair; Elena gives her lovely model clown makeup as the sequined monstrosity is not enough the says to her,  “If we get eliminated today, it’s been nice knowing you.” Wow. Awe-inspiring Elena. Chris tells his model to be jazzy and then gives her some dance moves which she clearly will not execute.

Runway time and another Chris gem:  “IT’S GOIN’ BE CRAZY. This Runway is going to look like the Gay Pride Parade just trampled right through it.”  HA. You gays do love some sparkles.

Heidi wears an homage to Pocahontas Rockette outfit. That’s unnecessary. Really. Their guest judge is Debra Messing which induces a tizzy among all the designers. Chris? DYING. Y’all he’s died like 100X in this episode.

Dmitry

Jen:  I love a fringe bottom.  I love fringe in general, much to the chagrin of my roommate/life partner, Frenchie.  I love this.  I love the zip zag cutouts and the way it wraps around her neck.  It fits the model perfectly and although it is a tad bit on the dance expo side, I still would rock the hell out of  this! I love how when you look closely, you can see homegirls nips! (uhhh… why? – A) Good job Dmitry, and Lord knows if Chris hadn’t blown away the competition with his NYC skyline outfit, you would have been the clear winner.  I would expect nothing less from you Dmitry, former ballroom dancer! LOVE! GRADE:  A+

A: GORGEOUS. Very Dmitry which Korsy points out both on the runway and in judging. Oddly the styling grabs me the most here. The soft wraparound braid balances the harsh lines of the costume perfectly. I haaaaaate those dance tights but it makes sense as to why they needed to use them. The skirts moves fluidly even when the model stands still. This would be perfect for the Rockettes Homage to Black Swan. GRADE: A+

Melissa

Jen:  “ITS THE NUMBER ONE!!!” is the first thing Frenchie shrieked at me when this came on the runway.  At first I didn’t agree (mainly because I was trying to light a bowl and type my notes), but as soon as she said that, all I could see was the number 1.  I like how she made this very cigarette girl, but lets face it, homegirl is lucky everyone helped her.  This was not amazing, although I always love a pink/ black combo and I kinda love the top of the dress, it reminds me of the other strapless dress she made with the illusion of having straps. I know Melissa can do better and homegirl better step her game up this week! GRADE:  C+

A: Melissa bit off waaaay more than she could chew with this challenge. And while the designers called her slow (AHEM VEN), I think she simply underestimated her design. The cheeky nod to the cigarette girl is lovely but HOLY SHORTNESS KorsMan! Honestly the number one made me laugh as I got a quick flash of each Rockette having a hand-beaded number on her chest. I do agree with Debra that the neckline is not conducive to dancing but overall Melis got by with a SHIT TON of help from her friends. Melissa – you’re on notice! GRADE: B-

Ven

Jen:  It’s official.  Ven has lost his mojo.  This travesty reminds me of Oksana Baiul ice skating in the Olympics. (BAHAHAH! YES – A) It doesn’t seem to fit the model very well, and it’s SO SIMPLE. AND BORING. YAWN is right judges, cause this shit is not good.  But what KILLS me about it, is that Ven seemed to just adore it! He’s so fucking cocky he doesn’t even see when he’s constructing a total train wreck! Also, it makes me itch. GRADE:  D

A: I wrote “ I would wear that out with my gays – so pretty!” And that’s it. Also? To Korsy’s point, I am currently wearing a blouse from Target with that exact back. His model looks boxy and BORING. He got the movement right but the neckline is horrible.  You know what it needs? A rose. GRADE: D-

Elena

Jen: NO.  GO HOME. GRADE:  F

A: What. In. The. Sweet. Holy. Hell. All the things! Never mind that Crayola Special Edition Sparkle Blue exploded all over that poor girl. But there’s no design at all in this outfit. And yes, the judges save Elena because they see her failed attempt at pleasing them. I can see the shell of a great costume with the cutouts in the back and the front but WOAH OVER-DESIGN moment. If Elena’s costume and Ven’s costume fornicated the outcome would be an acceptable costume. GRADE: D-

Chris

Jen:  Good Lord. Do I even need to review it?! It’s amazing in every way.  It’s a brilliant idea, perfectly constructed to fit the challenge to a T.  I mean, who WOULDN’T want to wear this?! I’m no fucking Rockette and I’m not from NY but even I would wear this out on a Friday night! Or to my next ice skating competition! It’s the perfect length with just the perfect amount of WOW factor.  Fabulous job Chris, I love you and hope you take home the gold! GRADE:  DUH, A++

A: Gorgeous. The nod to NYC fits perfectly within the assignment. Props to Jay for making that Chrysler Building shirt in the first season. The styling is not my favorite but it clearly does not matter. I will say I would love to see some more movement in the skirt but everything else is perfect. He made the bracelet and the earrings – OF COURSE.   Korsy calls it a Bob Mackie moment – that’s some HIGH PRAISE. Chris hits the perfect note by making this fashion-y and costume-y. Brilliant.  GRADE: A+

Sonjia

Jen:  I hate birds. And I hate purple birds. And I generally hate feathers. This is not okay.  Maybe Sultan Sonjia’s turban was on too tight, or maybe she lost her mojo by switching up turbans, but this is just not good. She reminds me of a big purple ostrich bottom, with a snakeskin belly. I just can’t. No ma’am.  GRADE:  D-

A: Sonjia had the same moment Chris had last week. Not oomph and just blah down the runway. I love the colors but can you imagine the disaster after ONE Rockette performance? Dead purple Big Birds everywhere. She threw together the shirt and added feathers. Memo to Sonjia: Feathers are not the answer. GRADE: C-

Freegan

Jen:  What in the Zena, warrior princess is this?! First off, the hair is horrible and reminds me of Brienne from Game of Thrones.  So I expected her to yield a large sword and cut mother fuckers up.  I would also like to note how I would murder someone for that model’s legs. Holy shit. I mean c’mon Freegan! You are SO lucky you were safe cause this shit looked like Rockettes wearing body armor! Ugh. Horrible. GRADE:  D

A: All the tinfoil in NYC is on this dress. It looks like sheet metal and chain mail so Jen’s GoT reference is spot on. The more I look at it the less I want to. Suffice to say he’s safe and we will never have to discuss this … thing again. GRADE: D

Dmitry and Chris are clearly the top 2. And when Debra Messing calls his outfit “magnificent”, Chris sweetly blurts out, “Thank you, Debra Messing.” ADORBS. Bless his heart! (Not in a bitchy Southern way) He totally loves her.

Elena starts to cry when the judges rip the Blue Sparkly Explosion to shreds. They call it a great outfit for the circus. Heidi lives to make these people cry on the runway as she goes all silent and just looks at them expectantly.  Then she makes them feel better by saying that they do not make this choice lightly; they’re talented and great and blah blah. During the judging Korsy calls Sonjia’s outfit “crazy, disco turkey” BAHAHAHAHAHA. Indeed. I love a sassy Korsy – he’s been on and popping for the past few weeks. Case in point: He gives Ven the drag name Origami Rose and I spit wine all over my laptop.

Chris wins. DUH. (And he will continue to win bitches! – J) 

Ven is out, which is good for all the full-figured women in America. But really, Elena should have been on the first plane back to the emotionless Ukraine.

BYE VEN. EAT A SALAD!

Project Runway Ep: 9 – “It’s All About Me”

The delay of this post is all Andrea’s doing. MY BAD Y’ALL. I got a job and a husband and a dirty ass house. Sometimes life comes before Proj Run. I know; it’s crazy. To make up for it,  I will be posting a Cliffs Notes version of last Thursday’s episode with results and no photos. What? I STILL HAVE A DAY JOB. Apologies. Love you. Mean it! – A

Last week: Everyone hated Elena and Sonjia made an awesome jacket

This week? No one misses Alicia. (Bwahaha who? — J)

Every time I see Anya’s collection I lust after that crazy gorgeous blue dress.

The alarm goes off at Atlas and Ven hits Chris with a pillow; I would beat him senseless. The designers go on and on about how hard the challenges are and the toll they take on their psyche. Dmitry essentially wishes Elena would fall out a window but that’s not new news now is it? Oooh! I love Elena’s dress! Except it’s not a maxi dress … and it’s a romper. Exclamation rescinded. Sonjia’s not wearing a dashiki and I breathe a sigh of relief. Although the women start talking shit about Dmitry’s dresses and I am immediately annoyed.

On the Runway Heidi struts out in a leather dress and looks criminally good. She sold at least one child’s soul as well as hers to Satan for that body after 4 kids. Suck on that Seal. She goes through the same spiel about wowing the judges and stepping it up and blah blah. Like they haven’t been trying hard enough? This gets the designers talking about how much they want to win.  Gunnar wants to buy his mom a boob job and himself some boots with his winnings. Um. Maybe a house? Or a new car? No? Nice Gunnar. You want to buy your mom boobs.

GAH! IT’S MONDO!!!! I LOVE MONDO!!!! MONDO!!!! He reminds me so much of my bestie who passed away this year. The designers create their own textile inspired by their own cultural heritage for this challenge – one of my faves as it really separates the Miu Miu’s from the Miley’s. Mondo won this challenge (obvs) since he basically outed himself  as HIV+ WITH THE PATTERN. Because he is a genius. OH he had these amazing curls in the flashback to Season 8 that Gretchen stupidly won. Mondo I love you. So it’s the Season Tenners turn to show their artistic side. Mondo tells them to not to make a flag because that will get them sent home. Tim’s all PREACH MONDO. Um Tim & Mondo together? GUYS. FASHION POWER COUPLE. Yes!  (MONDO!!!!!!!!!!! I love Mondo more than anyone else who has EVER been on the show. I love his short shirts, I love his bowties, and I love his ability to wow me with the most ridiculously paired prints on the planet. XOXOXOX – J)

The designers have an hour to design and Tim already told them they would receive a cultural dossier. Thank God because Chris doesn’t know much about his cultural heritage. Oh! Their MOMS’s! Melissa’s mom barely walks through the door’s and Melissa’s sobbing. Well most of the designer’s mothers come but they’re also loved ones. It’s a fucking tear-fest up in here. Freegan’s boyfriend shows up and how he is relevant to his culture I have no idea but it’s sweet. (I’d like to note his boyfriend also looks like a fucking Ralph Lauren model! He certainly doesn’t look like he dumpster dives! –J) Ven’s sister looks just like him with a black wig. She’s all everyone is so proud of you Ven! Hmph, you won’t be when you see the Terri episode Girl Ven. Each loved one brings a dossier of photos from the designer’s childhood.  Dmitry’s bestie brought all his baby photos and a video from his Dad in Belarus. (This is where I started to cry-J)  All the men in his family are artists and Dmitry keeps them with him at all times. It’s lovely. Oh Dmitry you’re presh.  Gunnar’s mom is wearing a dress and he seems shocked as she’s all fancy. She just moved away to Florida and Gunnar didn’t expect to see her so soon. Guys, Gunner’s mom is adorable and she loves him so much. DAMN THE LOVE FOR GUNNAR CAMPAIGN.   Elena cries about the joyful times in her childhood and her mom who looks like she needs a sandwich immediately although she has aged really well. Again selling the soul of your children to the devil = lifelong good looks. (Elena has a mother?! I thought she was birthed from a volcano of hate.  –J) Sonjia notes how easily distracted she is by her mom and how she doesn’t want to lose focus. Sultan truth!

They get down to business designing their patterns and Chris struggles as he hates print. Elena doodles these horrible colors together while Freegan scribbles a bunch of lines saying he wants freedom, movement and conflict in the print. This is why I don’t do this because I did not understand a word of it. Melissa begins drawing a tree in a fantastic red – totally outside of her comfort zone. She begins to pull in the blood lines idea and puts together a gorgeous pattern she’s happy to share with her mom. Gunnar channels the bullying he experienced in school to create a pattern of a bird breaking free from a skeletal hands. Apparently he was bullied by Skeletor although  I have to say Gunnar’s pretty talented at the sketching and artistry. His mom loves it.

They’re off to Mood after the love fest and it’s Notions (Thanks KK!!) and textiles and no Swatch. A drama-free mood visit? SHENANIGANS.

Back at Parsons Gunnar’s doing something equestrian which…OK. I don’t know what horses have to do with the bullying but let’s go with it. Dmitry announces he’s doing separates saying “I am making separates…OOOOOooh,” Belarus snark guys. You saw it here first!  Chris has no idea what he’s doing without his fabric (a sweet lady bug pattern for his grandma), he’s basically just draping muslin all over the form and talking to it. Oh Chris…pumpkin, sweetie  I need you on POINT with one-liners. Meanwhile Sonjia’s trying to get the pant she’s making on by doing the walk-around-room-til-they-make-it technique. HA. Awesome.

There’s family dinner time where all the designers and their loved ones shoehorn themselves into the Atlas rooms and try to have a conversation. Now look, I love that they’re getting this break but frankly, I think we could have cut this episode short without the family shots. Pretty sure it would be nice for the families to not have cameras shoved in their face for two days. Upon departing Elena’s mom reminds her,”You are strong Ukrainian woman!” No ma’am. No more of that shit. (I’m pretty sure it was code for, “Kill the other designers!!!” — J) 

The fabric arrives all gift-wrapped and gorgeous. The designers eagerly open them up like little kids on Christmas morning. Sonjia’s fabric looks AMAZING. Get it girl. Dmitry’s and Melissa’s designs both translate beautifully while Freegan realizes his fabric is all penises and vaginas. Chris clutches his pearls and gasps upon seeing the sexual organs. Freegan’s totally OK with it and knows enough to not mention it to Tim. Ven drew a flower. One. Flower. I imagine the fabric company was all… WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?! But took their Lifetime money and went on their merry way.

Y’all Chris looks clueless. He’s meandering around the dress form talking to it and himself. Again, randomly draping things and pinning them will not score you a win Chris. But when he sees Gunnar’s fabric he’s all  “I love your print” and then interviews that the wall is coming down” between him and Gunnar as they have a similar story. Love. Chris needs to get his shit together though because by this point he’s made like 12 outfits and nothing is coming together. Oh and Ven? With his amazing pattern? Ven’s making FLOWERS OUT OF HIS FLOWER PRINT. We get it. You love flowers. You drew a flower. You make flowers on dresses.

Finally Tim walks in and Elena is all WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?! Rarely do I agree with Crazy-face McKranian but for reals, they need some TG love up in this piece. Tim immediately jumps in taking a look at Chris’s fabric vomit and  Chris forlornly says that he’s lost all the mojo and Tim immediately tells him to get it together and get the eff over it. Sonjia’s pants? AMAZING. And Tim tells her what she already knows – the fit needs to be perfect. Ven says Sonjia’s pants look like pajamas and he will get his shortly. Dmitry shows Tim the jacket of all perfection and Tim drops to his knees and blesses him. OK fine, TG doesn’t do that but he’s overjoyed that Dmitry walked away from the dresses and is doing something different. Tim walks over to Ven and listens patiently to Ven’s explanation of ANOTHER DRESS and the says: “Can I be frank with you?” Oh Tim. ALWAYS. Tim strikes his thoughtful fashion pose and says. “I see an homage to the menstrual cycle.” The designers all freeze like in they’re in a scene from Mean Girls and Chris interviews “I could have died; I can’t believe Tim SAID THAT.” I can honey because right after that Tim turns to the room in the ULTIMATE moment all AM I fucking crazy? DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS? The designers are gobsmacked. “I hope no one’s offended because it looks like maxi pads,”  Tim says. Y’all I must have rewound that moment about 10 times. Ven cries and walks off the interview set while telling the story. PJs over maxi pads friend.

Tim saunters over to Freegan who rightly does not point out the sex-on-cloth and tells him to show more of the fabric that he designed; then tells Melissa to really push herself out of her comfort zone. Elena designed scrubs made out of kindergarten scribbles. But she admits it to Tim who, after killing Ven’s hopes and dreams, exclaims “Oh Thank GOD” and then he makes a darling Marlo Tomas reference that Elena doesn’t understand. GODAMMIT ELENA.

Over in the Gunnar section he’s all…yah yah the print. But honey, let’s talk about this jacket. It’s heavy and I can see where he’s going but he’s right. It’s a shit show.

Models! Sonjia’s pant? Amazingly Anya. The Sultan turns it out! Dmitry interviews that he loves Chris’s print but doesn’t understand why the organza cover-up.  I totally agree. Chris knows he’s up shit creek and is all “I can’t anymore with this dress” I love that he fully admits to sucking this one hard. During L’Oreal time, Freegan asks for some weird ass androgynous look with a bowl cut wig and the L’Oreal gay is all BITCH WHAT?! Honestly. I am ready to pull Freegan’s gay card for that myself.

Again with the loved ones, (Anyone else annoyed with family time? – J) Sonjia’s mom helps her sew and it’s a family make it work moment!! Love. As they walk out, this little nugget of deliciousness:

Chris’s mom: “Chris is this supposed to be centered?!”

Chris: “Yes mom. It’s supposed to be centered.”

Mom: “Well I won’t tell anyone.”

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.

And then Heidi walks out with a freshly slaughtered dress. ANYA AND MONDO!?!?  (YAYAYAYAYAY!  So excited to finally have guest judges who know what the fuck they’re talking about! – J)

Sultan Sonjia

Jen:  Great googly moogly I love this. First off, whoever said these looked like pajama pants obviously hasn’t read an InStyle magazine for the past 6 months. I love the pants SOO much.  The fabric? Meh, but it works. Kinda reminds me of a stormtrooper from StarWars. Michael Kors says it looks like Pacman is eating her crotch. Bwahhahah! The top is sheer perfection. A cowl back?! Shut the fuck up. The pants were the perfect length and fit, and the styling is spot on! Hail to Sultan Sonjia! GRADE:  A+

A: LOVE. Want to wear today, tomorrow and immediately. The top is perfect – versatile and sexy.  That’s an Anya moment if I have ever seen one as those pants are exquisitely tailored. Her reasoning behind the fabric “Red, white and blue. And Black – cause well, I’m black.” HA! Sultan Sonjia indeed! GRADE: A+

Elena

Jen:  What in the dental hygienist scrubs is this catastrophe?! Frenchie (Jen’s platonic lady partner – A) immediately blurted out, “I FUCKING HATE IT” to which I couldn’t help but agree.  I don’t know what the fuck is going on with the fabric was but its horrific.  Did she have a fucking aneurysm while designing it?!  The pink shoes? The styling? Disaster. GRADE: F

A: Elena made a jacket. A-FUCKING-GAIN. The print is catastrophic but the construction looks legit. And while yes, she is a horrible human being and generally annoying, I don’t doubt her construction but she hasn’t blown me away with anything this season. GRADE: C-

Christopher

Jen:  Meh. Christopher was right when he said his momma distracted him.  TOO MUCH FAMILY TIME!! His original fabric was actually not too bad.  But the prom dress design just failed. The back zipper? Horrible.  The model’s hair? Disaster.  The overlay over the print was smart but just didn’t work.  Those booties she’s wearing though?  AMAZING.  GRADE

A: Chris ran out of steam this week. I don’t think his mom distracted him, he just dropped the ball completely. He could have made a beautiful blouse or skirt with this fabric – we know he can do separates – he just didn’t. My boy better get his shit together.

GRADE: C

Ven

Jen:  No sir. NO NO NO.  Rose on a dress once? So pretty.  Rose on a dress twice? Okay, fine. Its pretty.  Rose on a dress three times?! GO FUCK YOURSELF VEN.  Yes, you can put a fucking rose pattern on a dress. WE GET IT.  This is just so horrible I can barely speak on it.  From the styling, to the print, to the rose on her vagina, I hate all of this. It’s very Chico’s woman.  Ven should have gone home y’all. GRADE:  D-

A: Ven, didn’t they call you a fabric florist last week? I believe I wrote that down next to a large HA and yet here were are again. Horrible flower print. Horrible flower on the dress. Now Tim did tell him to fix the ode to lady business but NOT BY DOING THE SAME THING. Oh Ven. No bueno. When Heidi has to summon the big Gunns to the judging, this does not bode well for you. GRADE: D-

Freegan

Jen:  ATTENTION EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.  The ONLY person who can pull off this haircut is Robyn.  So call your girlfriend, cause this bitch looks cray.  I digress.  I love these pants. She may look like she’s out of Arabian nights in them, but they’re pretty awesome sauce.  I don’t hate this outfit. What I hate is that Freegan WASTED his print.  It was so awesome and full of vagina’s and penis’ and now you can’t see ANY of that because he BARELY used it! GRADE:  B-

A: Freegan designed penises and vaginas print. Then he made a vest, an ugly model and palazzo pants. There’s no connection between the pieces here – other than the bad androgynous hair. And while I like the print, there’s no sense of heritage or who Freegan is as a person. Also? He didn’t use the print. HUGE MISS. GRADE: D

Melissa

Jen:  I have to admit, When I first saw this, I thought, man this looks like Chico’s. But then my better half Frenchie said, “Girl, this shit is Express or Limited!” I still didn’t agree, but as I collected the photos for this post, I realized it has totally grown on me.  The fabric is flawless and beautiful and let’s face it, the most color we have seen out of Melissa ALL SEASON.  The dress fits perfectly and hits the model in all the right spots.  The v-back is amazeballs and the styling is spot on.  Good job, Melis! GRADE:  A+

A: Apparently Jen’s all about the Chico’s. I LOVE this print. She pushed herself into something so different, so unlike her and it came out beautiful. While I agree with Nina that she could have edged it up a bit, I love the shape and construction of the dress. I would WEAR this dress 10X over  some of the other pieces that she’s sent down the runway. The tailoring is dreamy; the styling beautiful and the color bold. ALL OF IT! LOVE. GRADE: A

Gunnar

Jen:  Poor Gunnar. Also having been bullied myself all throughout my childhood for not being white enough or black enough, my heart really went out to him.  However,his fabric was a little weird y’all.  I know it was hands or something but it really resembled birds.  I wish he would have made riding pants to go with his theme of riding horses or whatever. I don’t mind the jacket at all! I think it’s nice! It’s the skirt and knee-high boots that I have problems with. This chick looks like she walked off the set of Clueless after Dionne made her over. The model’s hair?  I need homeboy with the handlebar mustache from L’Oreal to teach me how to do that! It’s soooo pretty! Did  Gunnar deserve to be in the bottom? No sir. GRADE:  C+

A: Oh Gunnar. Why must we end this way? I love the thought behind the print and the artistry of the drawing for the fabric. But why did he stop there? I really wish he put the same emotion of the fabric into the garment. I would have loved to see his fabric as highlights or accents on the jacket and maybe a really svelte pair of riding pants to go with those boots. Gunnar got lost a bit and for the first (and last) time, showed his age and inexperience. GRADE: C-

Jen:  I would just like to go on record and say that these pictures DO NOT accurately depict the brilliance of this jacket. At first, I was a little disappointed because I wanted him to showcase the print a bit better. But then I saw that jacket move and my jaw dropped. The cutouts are to die for.  Raise your hand if you’ve seen a jacket with CUTOUTS before?!! Ugh, LOVE!  I loved his print, very geometric and all around amazing.  The model totally rocked this look and the shoes go perfectly. The skirt? Barely noticed it. Bitch could have worn nothing but her g-string and my eyes would have still gone straight to the jacket.  GRADE:  A+++++

A: YES! FINALLY. Dmitry made separates and rocked. them. out. SUCK ON IT ELENA. The jacket moved and accentuated the print in a way I have never ever seen before. And while the print is lovely with the bold color and geometric pattern, the forethought of bringing the print into the design as an element shows designer brilliance. Flawless movement, flawless tailoring, FLAWLESS. ALL OF IT. YELLING. GRADE: A+

During the judging, Heidi summons Fashion Prez Gunn (like the batman of fashion that he is, and I love it. -J) who was all – I TOLD VEN TO QUIT THE MENSTRUAL SHIT. Korsy snottily agrees that the judges have told Ven several times to stop with the flowers. Y’all having Mondo and Anya judging is a breath of fresh air! Not only do they know how it feels to stand up there but they actually understand the importance of each challenge – Especially the fabric challenge. Also? Mondo. RAWR! I still love you. Call me! Jen and I agree that both Sonjia and Dmitry deserved this win but with Dmitry making smashing separates outside of his zone he deserved this win.

Once every season they send a designer home too soon and keep at least one on too long (AHEM ALICIA). Season 10’s early departure belongs to Gunnar who took it on the chin but is clearly very upset. Gunnar, you made me love you but moreover I totally respect your talent.

Next week, a clip shows Tim Gunn saying, “Bitch slap that bitch!” CANT WAIT!!

Proj Run – Episode 8 – “Starving Artist”

Guys this show is shot in NYC! NO WAY! How much money did Lifetime spend on NYC morning B-roll? Answer: Too much. The designers wearily shuffle out of bed into another drama-filled day. Sonjia returns with the T-shirt Dashiki and I don’t have the energy to yell at her anymore. Oddly, I prefer the smurf hair to the T-shirt up-do. Gunnar wears a knitted do-rag like object and I assume he did not have time for his usual coif. Also Gunnar barley holds it together after the heart attack the German gave him the previous day. You and me both Gunnar, you and me both.

Chris interviews pissily  that they kept Gunnar and not Nathan. Personally, I think Alicia deserved the boot three episode ago but the topic launches the Gunnar / Chris feud. CHIFFONIES FOR LIFE BITCH.

On the runway,  Heidi comes out in aluminum foil and preps the designers for a negotiation challenge. Alicia needs to do something really really dope. The first order of business?  Stop saying dope.

Back at Parson’s, it’s ARTS & CRAFTS DAY! There’s glitter and scissors and cutouts and beads and all the things! Elena hates it all. Stunner.  (Well knock me over with a feather, I’d have never guessed that based on your general dislike for unicorns, colors of the rainbow or happiness. -J)

Tim preps them for an exciting day. There’s no budget – they’re fundraising for their fabric. They have to sell shit on the street to get fabrics and notions. Guys. Elena has to sell things on the street. It’s horrifying. They can alter garments, offer advice, anything to raise money.  And of course, they will form TEAMS OF THREE. HAHAHAHAHAHA.  Ven is not looking forward to it. Because he has to share food, I assume. There are no team leaders and everyone must work copacetic like. Because that’s how it always works right?

Tim serendipitously pulls Chris’s name out of the hat  and Gunnar rolls his eyes. He interviews that there are two reasons he doesn’t want to work with Chris: 1) Gunnar hates him 2) Gunnar can’t stand the sound of Chris’s voice. Gunnar I would respect you more if you just said “He’s my competition and I am half in-love with him.” You know it’s true. Turns out Chris is the last designer to have immunity from this moment forward. Well that shit blows.

Team 1:  Chris Sonjia Gunnar – CSG Sonjia said it right “Drama fucking central.”

Dmitry and Elena get chosen and drama central shifts over. Alicia gets thrown in that mix and you can tell by the look on her face she would rather eat a rat. (Dmitry quips, ” What have I done in my past life to deserve Elena?!” to which i just died laughing. – J)

Team 2: Dmitry Elena Alicia- DEA

Finally, Melissa, Freegan and Ven get paired up and they’re kinda loving it.

Team 3: Melissa Freegan Ven- MFV

They get to work and immediately Gunnar and Chris fake love all their crafty productions; Chris, of course, can’t tell if Gunnar’s being sincere. Hint: No. Their team creates these gorgeous stencil type shirts. Simple and pretty cute. While Elena et al just throw paint on shirts and then look completely surprised when the shirts look like shit. Sonjia’s all, “Those are the most homeless looking T-shirts.” Truth Sultan!

And so the drama begins, Dmitry makes a suggestion and Elena’s all…LAME. Dmitry: “Who’s going to buy anything from her? She’s walking depression.” Oh Dmitry – you’re clairvoyant because no sooner do they walk out the door to sell their wares that Elena begins yelling,  “Who wants to buy crappy T-shirts?” Always an exceptional selling strategy. The folks of NYC look at her blankly and cross the street.  Elena took the initiative of talking to people. That’s awful. Poor people. (Truth be told, if Elena walked up to me on the mean streets of NYC, I wouldn’t hesitate to cut her bitch ass.- J)

Freegan waves a sign around like a protestor while Melissa tries to catch people to sell to. Ain’t no one buying shit. Hey Venn, do you want to try to sell to people OF YOUR SIZE? No? Weird.  Chris, Sonjia and Gunnar sing for their Mood funds since no one is interested in their wares. Meanwhile, Elena gets a bite and tries to sell her shirt for $20. She gets laughed off the street.

There’s running and some selling and hugs of thanks and then by some producer magic we’re back in the workroom tallying up money to learn that MVF made EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS to the more modest $600 for CSG. The DEA pulled in $500. Y’all I have no idea what the MVF team did for that $800.

Their challenge:

Use their earnings and stay in teams to design two cohesive looks for fall – and one MUST have outerwear so you know… a coat. Oh sweet Jesus I can feel Elena hulking out as Tim explains the challenge.

They have 30 mins to sketch and then MOOD.

Elena immediately snarks “OF COURSE Dmitry’s doing a DRESS. I am doing a coat.” Poor Alicia wants to use navy and Elena’s basically all let’s decide later. Always a successful plan. (Dmitry hates Elena so much; I hope he chokes her out in this challenge – J)

Mood!

MVF begins pulling this bright pink fabric and nothing says less about fall than that color. To paraphrase the Great Gunn, this concerns me. For whatever reason CSG spend FIFTEEN MINUTES arguing over fabrics and colors then rush around like loons to finish on time. (Chris states he has ” legs like a Hungarian shot putter” from dashing through the store and using the sewing machines.  Is that all it takes? Because I’m going to quit all the leg work I’m doing at the gym and just run frantically around fabric stores. – J)

Apparently everyone makes the deadline and we’re back in the workroom when Dmitry and Elena start bitching at each other. And out of the mouth of Chris comes an epic quip, “They’re like Boris and Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle!” Chris, that funny has LEVELS. I love it and as usual, it’s spot on. Of course commentary never stops the shenanigans.  Dmitry wants to make a dress as he thinks that works better with what they’re planning. Elena scoffs I NEVER BUY DRESSES. I buy SKIRTS. And honestly, you can see how she does this with the intention of making him fucking crazy. Sigh.  Dmitry then basically says I am not working hard on this dress so you can cover it up with a bullshit jacket.  Alicia gets all quit with the negative energy as I don’t have them for your shit. But she says it to camera and not to Elena or Dmitry as they would scratch her damn eyes out and leave her for vultures on the roof of Parson’s. (This is the most I have heard Alicia speak all season, – J)

The rest of the teams work quietly together as Tim comes in and is shocked by their  lack of enthusiasm. It’s s team challenge Tim, they hate each other more with every passing moment. You’re lucky you didn’t walk into a roomful of bloody carcasses with one victor wielding scissors and a clutch.

On his designer walk about, Dmitry says “exposed darts” and Tim completely loses it. I don’t know nearly enough about sewing or construction but everyone else loses their shit. They even get a WTF from Melissa during an interview. Elena is making a coat with giant shoulders – quelle suprise! Poor Alicia gets stuck with the leftovers – pants and a shirt.

Ven walks Tim through his design of a fan skirt and color-block top. Tim poo poos it as part of the collection. Even more so upon seeing  Freegan’s shell of  a coat. But the skirt doesn’t work in the collection.  And then Terri walks in and calls him a giant fat-ass. She didn’t; but she should have. TEAM TERRI! Anyway, Ven looks surprised when both Melissa and Freegan nix the skirt on Tim’s recommend but agrees to make another skirt.

Over at 2 Gays and a Sultan, Sonjia shows off her coat  and Tim’s overwhelmed. He thinks Sonjia is just trying too hard and/ or over-designing. He might be right as she’s all Leather sleeves! Wrap here! Tie here! The coat does look a bit like the Legend of Zelda and the editors take the opportunity to shove in some slams. Elena interviews, “THIS IS THE UGLIEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.”Um. Did you see your candy dress? Because that made me want to bleach my eyeballs so shut it Natasha.

Even though they were a disaster at Mood, CSG have 4 complete looks which is nothing short of impressive. Chris made a lovely camel trench coat that he better pull off.  Of course Gunnar’s all… TWO OF THEM ARE MINE. Yes Gunnar. You’re pretty too! I promise!

Tim leaves them to their own devices as Dmitry says to Elena something about “making it more sportsy” and Elena has some sort of stroke as she repeats the word “sportsy” in Dmitry’s accent about 100 times and laughs irrationally at herself. Oh…KAY you’re a NUTBAG Elena.Dmitry quietly calls her a little witch whilst hand-sewing his dress (like the badass he is) then interviews “To kill the witch you need a silver bullet and a wooden stick.”Bless him; he mixed up his horror metaphors but I love him anyway. Meanwhile Chris wishes for a horse tranquilizer to shut Elena up. I doubt that would do the trick as I have seen Ghostbusters and Zul ain’t got shit on horse trainers.

Model fitting!

Freegan throws some love Gunnar’s way as the models try on their garments. Gunnar’s dresses do look great but unfortunately neither Sonjia’s coat nor Chris’s trench have really come together … YET. Immediately Gunnar’s all “My dresses are the ONLY thing holding this collection together and I can’t be thrown under the bus.” Look, we have all seen designers pull shit out the day of the runway show so Gunnar’s hissy fit is a bit premature. His other mistake? Saying that to Elena. In a moment  of sheer Elenaness, she responds that the dresses look great. But as Gunnar holds up his hand for a high 5 she looks away and says “Looks like something I would do.” FUCK YOU ELENA. Look Gunnar isn’t my favorite but he IS the only person who’s nice to her and she can’t stop herself from being an asshole to the ONLY PERSON THAT LIKES HER. 

Day 2!  MVF’s collection “looks solid” according to Ven who’s still stewing over the skirt he threw together. Ven needs new eyes as this collection is most certainly not solid.

Elena’s immediately announces MY COAT FITS HER PERFECT when Alicia fits the model. Insert eye roll. Then Elena vitriols all over Alicia’s pants saying they need to be more tailored which is probably true since Alisha can’t do shit but damn woman be HELPFUL NOT HATEFUL. Elena then interviews that she will throw both of them under the bus because they won’t listen to her for fear that she will take over. No mention of her ever being wrong or anything. My biggest wish at this moment is to throw Chinese stars at her face.

Then it’s shit on everyone time!

Dmitry poops on MVF. Elena poops on Freegan’s jacket and Dmitry’s shawl. Gunnar poops on Dmitry’s dress.  Elena hates Alicia’s pants mostly because they don’t fit her coat. Then she hates on Dmitry. Blah blah everyone hates everything.

Sonjia’s jacket came out nice! Less Zelda, more fashion. I still don’t understand the PINK in the fall collection – is that an homage to Pepto-Bismol? Also there’s a sheer shirt that bunches over some sort of high-waisted pant nonsense? Oh MVF. No bueno.

Sidenote: I covet Sonjia’s necklace! Someone buy that for me please!

Runway!

Heidi comes out ORANGE. Like Michael Kors ORANGE. Oh Heidi. NO. (She’s wearing a FUCKING ED HARDY DRESS; it has enough sparkle and white trash decoration so I assume it’s Ed Hardy – J)

Dmitry / Elena / Alicia (DEA)

Jen:  I could seriously give two fucks about whether or not Dmitry has done this before. Besides the shawl, which I could take or leave, I love everything about this dress. It fits the model like nobody’s business. The slit in the shoulder, the styling, YES, I just love it and I don’t care if he makes dresses for the rest of the season. His dresses are PHENOMENAL.  He continues his streak as a bridesmaid, never a bride. GRADE:  A++

A: I AGREE. The shawl looks dumb but that dress? ALL THE DRESSES! The fit is perfect, completely appropriate for fall and sexy to boot. The exposed darts? GENIUS. Gives that extra visual interest if you look close enough and accentuates the model in the right places. GRADE: A

Jen:  Ewwwww is what I uttered when this walked out. Not only did Alicia make the most boring pants and top combo, but you can’t even see it because of the ill-fitting and horribly tailored jacket.  I love the design of the jacket, but it was just poorly made because Elena was too busy bitching that Dmitry had a whole outfit to himself. WAAHHHHHH shut the fuck up Elena and sew. GRADE:  C–

A: Let’s be clear, I wanted to beat Elena into a pulp when this came out. Look I expect nothing from Alicia but Elena? Elena spent all her time going on and on about her expertise and sends this garbage bag down the runway. BLECH. Look we know she can construct and design, but she needs to deliver that ALL THE TIME. Especially when she spends all her sewing time being an asshole. GRADE: D

Christopher/ Gunnar/ Sultan Sonjia (CSG or 2 Gays and a Sultan)

Jen:  Ahhh, perfection.  I love this jacket so much I want to make sweet love to it.  I also want to say FUCKING HATS OFF to Gunnar for making not one, but TWO exceptional dresses to go under the outerwear pieces.  The only gripe I have is the model who couldn’t walk her way out of a paper bag.  Holy shizz, I love everything about the jacket, from the color to the scarf to the pleats on the front and I agree with sassy resident Latina Nina Garcia, this shit looks expensive. Amazing Sultan Sonjia. Just simply amazing. GRADE:  A+

A: Zelda can suck it. I want this jacket in my closet right now. In fact, I want the whole outfit in my closet. The dress looks beautiful and both pieces look expensive and ridiculously stylish. Speaking of, the styling looks fantastic. The scarf echoes the dress perfectly without being too matchy-matchy. Boots? YES PLEASE. All of them. All of it. ALL THE THINGS! GRADE: A+

Jen:  I really have to hand it to the Gays + Sultan Sonjia. They really worked together to create two stunning pieces. It’s going be hard to make the fabric in the jacket look nice. But it is tailored perfectly and I love the sleeves with the leather accents. Good God, that dress is amazeballs folks.  It’s not the dress for me, but I can still appreciate the work that went into this dress and I love that the model knew to open it up and showcase the dress as well. Way to go Gunnar and Co. These two outfits were almost flawless! GRADE:  A-

A: I love a trench. A camel-hair tailored trench? I may divorce my husband. This look is all kinds of tailored perfection.The coat collar is spectacular; the sleeves genius and the length smashing. I really love the curve at the back of the coat – almost like a train. Now the dress isn’t my style per se, but it compliments the model and the coat which I suppose is the point of this whole challenge. PLEASE SEND ME THIS COAT! GRADE: A

Freegan/ Melissa / Fat Ass Ven

Jen:  What in the sister wives is this!? (BAHAHAHAHA – A) Mitt Romney’s wife called, she wants her outfit back. Socks with heels? FUCK YOU.  I hate everything about this outfit but the STELLAR jacket and the amazing clutch that MELISSA made. Not you fat ass Ven or you dumpster diver. But Melissa. Who consistently rocks shit out. I want that jacket. The styling is also pretty spot on so points for that. I give the jacket a GRADE:  A+ but the rest of this crap gets GRADE: D-

A: Whaaaaaaat??!?!?!?!?? The jacket screams Melissa; tailored beautifully with a great edge that so clearly shows her aesthetic. I can’t even with the rest. I refuse to acknowledge what is happening below her knees. The sack the Israelites found  baby Moses in must have been on sale at Mood (yes, I know it was a basket). Could we have found an uglier color? Or an uglier pattern? The model is pretty? I ran out of things to say.  GRADE: D (Melissa’s coat saved it from total failure)

Jen:  Dear team, if the hanger of a model looks fat, you did your job wrong. Bless Melissa’s heart for trying to make scrunch pants but NO. NO NO NO!! Everything looks so horrible (minus the clutch, which is FANTASTIC).  I take that back, not horrible, just sloppy! I expect more from a group with Ven and Melissa in it. C’mon now. GRADE:  C

A: How was this NOT the dream team? Every single person on this team has won a challenge and THIS? THIS IS THE BEST THEY CAN DO!!?!?!? The pants? No. The shirt? Maternity. The coat?  Nursing home. The model looks awful. The styling is non-existent; she’s completely washed out. NO. NO MA’AM. GRADE: F

Judgement: Heidi et al waste no time telling us that 2 Gays and a Sultan were the CLEAR winners. They appropriately fawn all over Sonjia’s coat, Gunnar’s dresses and Chris’s trench. The judges agree their looks were cohesive, stylish and looked expensive. (Chris says that Gunnar should be the winner. Homo say what?!? – J) Korsy calls it elevated sportswear and not once does Elena begin to make fun of him. Speaking of which, the judges give DEA the hairy eyeball and ask them to ‘splain themselves. Elena refuses to talk fist like a spoiled child and Dmitry rolls his eyes. Um, WHAT IS ALICIA WEARING!?!?!?!?!?!? ( A FUCKING DENIM JUMPSUIT. ON THE RUNWAY. She looks like a lesbian plumber. I can’t take it.- J)

Heidi asks Elena what her problem is now she immediately shoves Dmitry under the bus by  BITCHING THAT HE TOOK OVER. Who the what?! Dmitry says it is impossible to work Elena. And while Elena acts a FOOL on the runway,  Dmitry looks incredibly embarrassed.

Nina tears into Elena rightfully saying, “You do coats all the time Elena. You only do oversized coats, now?” Ooh. GET IT NINA. (NINA IS A BAD BITCH, she will totes cut you.- J) As Elena starts to explain herself, Dmitry’s all, “Well you were pissing and moaning about not doing enough and you could have a much nicer coat.” Yessssssss. Then Korsy takes Elena to filth saying the finish sucked and she’s clearly not that great of a coat maker. I want to make out with all the judges right now. And then Elena pulls out the good ol’ “I needed more time…” Fail.

During the ridiculous “who should go home” portion of the challenge, Elena and Dmitry throw each other to the wolves and Alicia, for fear of her life, says she respects Elena more as a designer. Because she’s blind and wants to go home in one piece to her super-hot girlfriend.

They talk to MVF but it’s boring and they’re all nice to each other and blah blah. Anna Sui says they didn’t push each other enough but there’s not nearly enough Insanity McCrazyPants in that trio to even begin to consider eliminating one of them.

Alicia get’s auf’d. ABOUT DAMN TIME.  And Jen and I can’t help but wonder

1)How she got this far

2) Why she’s so surprised?

BYE MARIO.

 

Proj Run – Ep. 7: “Oh My Lord&Taylor”

Between the conventions, speeches, cheering  and the live tweeting, Jen D. and I have neglected our little corner of the Internet. But here it’s LAST week’s Proj Run recap. In all fairness, we blew quite a bit of MoJo with the live tweeting and needed to regroup after the HAIR-RAISING ending.

Alas, we open as we always do… on the Atlas.

Everyone misses Nathan and Chris gives Ven the side eye as he interviews that he would LOOOVE his own room. Hint, Hint Judges.

The boys put on their skirts and makeup while the women plot to boot another penis. The term Chiffonie stuck for good so we can look forward to that for the rest of the season. Sonjia (sans the dashiki, but with hair the color of a blueberry Airhead –J) interviews that men design what they think women should wear – flirty, romantic, girly; but women design for strength and badassery and all those tough as nails things. And then the rest of the episode happens.

Alicia gets all “One Chiffonie at a time.” Oh Alicia! You’re still here?

On the runway, Heidi determines this the sequins episode so she’s dressed like a giant brown disco ball. She looks at the designers and asks, “Tired?” Then commiserates with Chris about their dark circles. Don’t be a bitch Heidi.

She sends the designers off to a “special place on Fifth Avenue” to find Tim and a special guest. They wind up at the Lord & Taylor flagship store. Um, OK. Has that always been there? I haven’t seen a Lord & Taylor in about 20 years and Gunnar’s all:  “L&T has launched so many HUGE designers.” What? WHO GUNNAR? WHO? He reads those cue cards like a good little soldier.

There are 9 mannequins artfully displayed  and each one is formally garbed by a former Proj Run Winner. There’s a lot of black, of course. The winner’s dress will be displayed in L&T’s windows PLUS produced and sold as part of the Project Runway collection. The designers get all glassy-eyed imagining their dress in the window and slitting all the other designer’s throats.

Y’all I can’t lie, I would buy every single one of those dresses. Me, with all the galas I attend as you know I am tres important.

Bonnie Brooks, the president of L&T, thoroughly enjoys their lust for a moment before continuing that the garment will need to retail for $200-$300. Excuse me?! AT LORD AND TAYLOR?!  The manufacturer – J&S? J&T? JW Black? – will be providing fabrics and notions. Notions, I just learned, are the zippers, buttons, clips, etc. The minutia of fashion if you will. The More You Know….by KK.

So there’s no Mood. I guess after the fabric backlash last week, the producers decided to punish the well-intentioned fabric. The designers scatter off to sketch and immediately Elena gets all “Another Gunnar challenge…” HEAVES SIGH. I can’t with her and her constant sighing through this whole episode. The next time you read Elena’s name assume there’s a giant sigh that goes with whatever else I mock her for. (For example, I love seams and textures. BITCH!?! Black seams and textures!?! Cause that’s ALL YOU DO!!!–J)

Meanwhile Chris announces his intention to make a gown. HE CAN’T WAIT. He’s adorable but good lord he needs a Xanax and a good night of sleep. Chris- you’re pretty. Now shut up.  Dmitry interviews that they’re designing for the whole United States which must be why Ven is so silent as “normal” people aren’t in his aesthetic. Shut up Ven. I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING IT. (Also, Gunnar thinks that designing for the average boring ass white woman means lots and lots of sequins. Walk away from the Bedazzler Gunnar. -J)

ATTENTION DESIGNERS, the zipper hasn’t been used AT ALL this season!! Let’s try that! (insert sarcasm font here)–J

Once back in the workroom, the designers run for the fabric. Awash in a pool of black, Melissa wisely chooses something other than her usual noir and goes for this gorgeous bronze brocade. Dmitry scores a beautiful silvery, grey fabric and tells us he’s doing sleek and simple – you go with your bad self Dmitry! Mere moments after Chris choses his fabric and decides to do his shredding technique the editors begin the designers-shit-on-Chris montage. Here’s the thing he flat-out SAYS – look I have done this before, but it’s what I do and it’s totally me and it’s going to look great. Knowing it is half the battle Chris so you DO YOU. (Do you boo boo, do you – J)

Hey guys – guess what Elena’s doing? Bitching. (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, she’s also crying.  THERE IS NO CRYING ON PROJECT RUNWAY! Crying because you can’t be simple? Ho, please- J) She doesn’t design like this. It isn’t her thing to do a “simple design.” What? You don’t “do” anything other than a military jacket with GIANT shoulders? I never noticed Elena! (sarcasm font applied here)

Sonjia completely lost her mojo after being in the bottom and cannot get it together. She’s sitting there randomly pinning things to her dress form and just going on and on about not knowing what to do and not being inspired and JESUS WOMAN enough already! Be like the damn shoe and Just Do It. Sonjia muses about knocking out some of the guys and is all, “OH HEY DMITRY!” Dmitry is super-confused as he is, you know, WORKING.

Alicia says she’s doing a lower waist inspired by Chanel. That sound? That’s Coco Chanel rolling over in her grave and shouting MERDE!

Guys, Ven is thinking about the customer in his design. Let hilarity ensue.

Elena pisses on Gunnar some more as if he had anything to do with choosing this challenge or grading this challenge or anything that he clearly has no say in. Gunnar oddly loves Elena. I think this is because at 22 he knows no better. Elena goes on and on (SIGH) about haute couture and avant-garde and blah blah. Bless Gunnar for being the only person who tolerates her.

For whatever reason the women just fall apart: Elena with the sighing and the tears and the non-avant garding; Sonjia with her self-doubt and dinner plate earrings and obsession about beating the guys; Melissa who chose the wrong fabric that doesn’t fit the design, and then Alicia who’s just Alicia.

The guys of course have no issues! Gunnar happily sews sequins while Chris shreds and gowns. Dmitry rocks out a stunning silhouette as Freegan phones in his black dress. Sonjia notes their ease calling it ironic so the editors can now use Ven’s nasty clip about men being better designers than women. I wonder how long they had to wait for that opportunity?

In comes the next President of the United States, Tim Gunn to critique and give sage advice. He stops by Alicia first who is putting in a box pleat where the box goes. What? That’s what she’s doing! She brings up Chanel again and Tim manages not to laugh at her. I love that man.

Sonjia begins to unravel in front of Tim and he is not having it. He tells her to get her shit together only in a much nicer way.

Tim encourages Gunnar to add a layer of sequins, reassures Chris to follow his shredding, praises Dmitry, and acknowledges Freegan’s phone in – GIANT ZIPPER and all.

Poor man gets to Elena and mentions that her design looks very one of a kind. She cries all over his suggestion of translating down her upscale design; blubbering that she can’t believe she’s going down like this and how she’s all misunderstood. And has she never watched this show? I just don’t understand why she thinks that the upscale avant-garde look will be immediately embraced by the judges for every challenge. Then she loses her fake lashes. Someone just shoot her in the head and be done with it.

 Ven’s dress reminds me of a place mat as there is a giant flower in the center that looks made out of plastic. Chris says it looks like a holiday garment; he is correct. Of course, as Chris gives Tim the rundown on the gown, it gives the editors another chance to throw in more designer comments on Chris’s shredding technique.  Alicia hates on Chris’s whole shredded look. Hey Alicia – you’re barely here so shut it.

Sweet moment of the evening:  Gunnar offers to make Freegan a dress because Freegan will totally wear it . Freegan immediately says yes.

By the end of the night Melissa figures out that she has to cut another dress. She’s shitting her pants. Sonjia meanwhile channelled 1987 cueing Chris’s zinger, “The 80s called, they want everything back. Cyndi Lauper’s missing a dress and a clutch.”

The guys immediately rally around Melissa which I love. They know she’s up a creek and really want to help. They don’t but they want to.

Runway day!

Freegan wears high-waisted pleated pants and a crown of flowers.  His pants have more pleats than Joan River’s face. Please imagine my reaction.

 Ven interviews that he likes the top of his dress better than Chris’s. You know who doesn’t care, Ven? TERRI.

Melissa is all frenetic sewing, running, basting, stitching.  Everyone is half in awe and half afraid of her right now. There’s L’Oreal promos and at one point Melissa says, “Just surprise me.” Damn. You know she’s STRESSING.

Elena fits her model and I get my Chris line of the night!  “Elena’s dress is exactly her personality – trying to be sweet but then crazy bitch. Who puts a harness on a baby doll dress? I DON’T GET IT. I DON’T WANT TO GET IT (pause) I don’t like her.” Aaaand simple as that Chris is back on my good gay side. (Literally the best line of the season. Thank you Chris. –J)

Tim comes in and all the models are naked. He’s all: “Um. You have like 5 minutes.” Then it happens; Sonjia completely loses her shit. And I mean LOSES all the marbles. She’s hyperventilating, sobbing and just breaking DOWN.   Her dress isn’t going over the model’s “hips” and she CAN’T DEAL. Girl, that’s my every fucking January after I stuff my face.

Elena steps in and shimmies Sonjia’s model into the dress. Everyone else gets their ass in gear except SONJIA. Tim, bless him, pulls her aside and asks  “SONIJA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” And she just vomits words about hems and zippers and fabric and Tim is all GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN. At this point Jen yells, “You are a strong black woman wearing dinner plates as earrings. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GIRL.” This is why neither of us are on reality TV.

I’d like to note that Freegan was safe in this challenge. SAFE, with his checkerboard tattoo and his Latin Kings neck tattoo. Sadness abounds.

RUNWAY:

Heidi walks out in a pink sequined disaster and Jen says she looks like a vagina disco ball. Hence my wine splattered laptop. I do love her hair.

Alicia

Jen:  No ma’am.  First off,  this fabric resembles a trash bag. Secondly, there is a weird vagina flap.  Maybe that’s cool for lesbians, I don’t know. But I do not like it, and when Michael Kors called it a field hockey uniform, I died. ALICIA GO HOME. GRADE:  D-

A: Alicia’s all: “She looks cool.” FACEPALM. Frankly, I don’t understand Alicia’s aesthetic at all. But this garment is completely out of her comfort zone. And while I find it ugly, I give her some props to doing something totally out of her wheelhouse. Let’s be clear: Chanel this is NOT. GRADE: C-

Christopher

 

Jen:  Totes love. I love that it looks like separates. I love that Chris made it. I LOVE the styling and the model’s hair!!  I do not love that it’s a simple jersey skirt, however it all comes together beautifully and even the models shark fin shoulder blades look nice.  Chris hit a home run with this one! GRADE:  A+

A: I love this. It’s beautiful, totally Chris and the shredding looks amazing. The styling is perfection – light, romantic and very ingenue. This teeny person floats down the runway looking all Catherine of Wuthering Heights in the front and starving shoulder-blade-assassin from the back. (BWAHAHAHAHA – J) Speaking of the back, I like the surprise cut out giving a bit of skin but still very formal. GRADE: A+

Dmitry

 

Jen: Surprise! DMITRY WAS ROBBED.  I would rock the shit out of this dress. It is beautifully tailored, styled, and I just can’t say anything else because I’m speechless over this dress. Oh, but I can say, IF HE DOESNT WIN SOON, I’M FUCKING SOMEONE UP.  GRADE: A++

Andrea: DAMN DMITRY. Just damn. While Chris’s model looks all ethereal, Dmitry’s looks like she walked off the set of Alias. Sharp, sleek and sexy. Again, totally in his wheelhouse with those beautiful details on the front and the fantastic fit. DMITRY WILL WIN ONE DAY! I would love to see a more colorful shoe but other than that? Smashing.  GRADE: A+

Elena

 

Jen:  Oh Elena. How I hate you and your bright pink lipstick.  They may not allow it in the Ukraine, much like they don’t allow feelings, but that doesn’t mean its appropriate for America. I digress. I hate this dress. The only thing I like is the back cut out thing, but again it looks like a fucking harness. GRADE:  D+

Elena: The woman wears a plastic trash bag down the runway and Elena calls it art. OK. I’ll play. Now they didn’t have a whole Mood-full-o’ fabrics to choose from so I can’t hate too much on the fabric. But I’m with Chris – I don’t get it. There’s no movement to the dress. I hope whoever wears this has a nice ass because it will be imprinted on the dress when they walk away! The cutout idea looks cool but…no. GRADE: C-

Freegan

 

Jen:  Oh imagine that! A little back dress. SNOOOZE. I didn’t even need Ambien to fall asleep on this one.  I hate it. I hate that he used a FUCKING ZIPPER.  I do like the back of the dress but the front is only interesting because of LORD & TAYLOR ACCESSORY!! Freegan, ugh. GRADE:  C

A: Welcome to Freegan’s phone-in. A black dress with a zipper and an asymmetrical hem. The shoulder detail in the back looks nice. But I have fallen asleep so … GRADE: C

Gunnar

 

Jen:  This dress looks like a fucking decal. From far away, its nice but up close its a mess of bedazzled sequins and sparkles. Me no likey. GRADE:  C+

A: To quote a friend of mine: “I mean, I wouldn’t wear it but if you like it…” 100% Lord & Taylor from head to toe. Sure it’s a bit shellacked and maybe short, but overall? EXACTLY what I expect from both Gunnar and L&T. Still can’t figure out why the judges don’t like the whole sheer thing but whatever. GRADE: B

Melissa

 

Jen:  Great googly moogly, I die for this dress. I am so in love with this dress its unreal.  Sure, the asymmetrical hemline could go.  But I barely notice that as I am staring at how AWESOME this model looks. Her ass looks like a dream! I think the sharp shoulders of the top are very Gaga, which makes me love it even more. Three cheers to Melissa WHO CRANKED THIS SHIT OUT while Ven was hating women and Sultan Sonjia was crying like a little bitch.  GRADE:  A+

A: MELISSA MADE THIS DRESS IN THREE HOURS. Guys – she clearly watches this show because Melissa turned this out. And the L’Oreal boys did not steer her wrong as the styling is glorious – all sex and swag. The fantastic neckline, the open back and the beautiful fit clearly show Melissa’s aesthetic but are still arresting. Yes, Korsy the hemline is a bit much. But THREE. HOURS. Get it girl. GRADE: A

Sultan Sonjia

 

Jen:  Hate. No wonder you were crying. Because your design sucked and your hair is horrible. The model can barely even walk in this! It’s pretty and elegant but borrrrrinnnnggg. GRADE:  B-

A: ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ok Sonjia – you had your breakdown and now it’s time to quit the shit. Why does this dress have a kick pleat? Again with the plastic fabric but the fit is fine. She just threw in the clutch mid-freakout I assume as there’s nothing remotely attractive about it. Bored. GRADE: C-

Fat Ass Ven

 

Jen:  Boring boring boring. It seems as though Ven has lost his mojo.  Oh look, another flower top thing. Cool. Sure it fits nicely, and I love the skirt but the top? No sir. GRADE:  C-

A: Lovely lovely fit. Ven knows how to dress a skinny lady. The skirt is fantastic; the top is a place mat. And as much shit as people give Christopher with the shredding let’s all agree that Ven’s done this quite a bit. GRADE: B

Histrionics on the runway! After all the sighing, the bitching and moaning Elena comes in top three. She completely falls to pieces and Heidi-Face-of-Stone-Klum is all “Tell me why you’re reacting like this.” You know who should have cried? DMITRY. Always a bridesmaid that one. AND THEN… y’all I almost died…they call ALICIA safe and leave Gunnar-thanks-for-your-feedback standing all alone on the runway.  After what must have been an eternity for Gunnar, Heidi proclaims him safe and congratulates him.  (Europeans have no feelings and Heidi is an emotionless bitch– J)  Shortly thereafter, Jen performs life-saving resuscitation as I almost died. Look, I agree that everyone did a good job within their talent but Alicia did not step up to the level of the other designers.

Next week (or last night)? Front row seats to the Elena/Dmitry death match.

Proj Run: Ep 6 – Fix My Friend

Several people warned me to watch this sans breakables nearby. I assumed this meant someone I loved got booted. Nope, not the case. Also? I hate the title of this episode. We have some guest comments from KK – a reader and fellow snarker.

We open on a gorgeous shot of NYC and the designers who are loath to get out of bed. Sonjia has taken up the moniker of Silk Chiffonis for all the boys and yearns for some evening out of the sexes. I yearn for her to stop putting shit on her head. Ven callously wakes up Chris and pours some coffee while Dmitry just wants ONE win. He’s due for one too so he better not be going anywhere.

Heidi troops a bunch of people out onto the runway to introduce the designers to the “real-people” challenge. Now all the people on the runway don’t look all jacked up so when Heidi explains it’s for the friends of the folks on the runway it makes a bit more sense. Heidi asks if they’re up for the challenge and Dmitry snarks, “Do we have a choice?” No Dmitry, you don’t.

Heidi lays the smack down and says “You’re doing something nice for someone” which translates into quit being a douche designers.  This is also the L’Oreal hair design challenge where L’Oreal pimps out their products more than usual. Tim and the head L’OReal guy (who’s name I can look up but won’t) meet the designers in the work room to explain that their clients were chosen at random and they will be given a whole new look including hair and makeup. Speaking of hair and makeup, Elena looks like she just walked off the set of Flashdance and she’s acting all nice. It’s very strange.

The designers sit down with their clients and client’s friends to ascertain what they really want, what they really really want. Sorry, I had a Spice Girls moment.

Sonjia’s client Amanda brings gym shorts and sweatshirts back. She hates shopping because nothing ever fits her, she’s not comfortable and she leaves feeling like shit. Yep. Ain’t being a girl just grand? She wants a dress to change it up a bit.

Elena’s client Jenna wears an adorable, albeit ill-fitting dress. She’s super happy, very bubbly and has LOTS of curls. She loves color and Elena’s all shit. However, Elena’s surprisingly sweet to her both in person and in her interview. Guys, who the hell is this person?

Kate is right up Chris’s alley – she loves a blazer and a dress. Done and done.

Dmitry’s client Angela shows up in flip-flops, cutoff jean shorts and a tank. Dmitry gets past his shock and asks her more about her style. She loves to mix up textures so chunky jewelry, flowy dress type objects. Dmitry’s pleased with her and knows she will work well with his design aesthetic.

Alicia’s client wants men to want to marry her and women to want to be her. Oh Martina, we’re so so so sorry you wound up with Alicia. Martina is adorable and looks like she’s full of sass.

Kandance is Melissa’s client. And I don’t remember much about her other than she has Melissa. So… yeah.

Nathan’s client is an R&B singer / performer and asks for everything slutastic including an ab-baring cutout. Nathan’s all no ma’am but agrees to make something that works for her.

Freegan gets a sassy little Asian girl; she’s an ARTIST and doesn’t want to be sexualized. She’s wearing flannel thereby accomplishing her mission.

Kim is super-excited to pair up with Gunnar. Gunnar blows me away by saying he’s always considered himself a designer for everyday women and that dressing actual people is the most important thing a designer can do. Kim tears up after talking through her style and he gives her a giant hug.  STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME LOVE YOU GUNNAR. (I totes agree!! It was also brought to my attention in the episode that Gunnar is ONLY 22 YEARS OLD.  No wonder he’s a little bitch sometimes!! All has been explained — J)

Finally Ven. Y’all I love Ven as I think he’s super-talented but he gets his DICK ON this episode. That sounds horrible and vaguely perverse. Terri is a jeans and T-shirt kinda girl; she’s not into dresses or skirts. Terri’s GORGEOUS friend says that Terri spends quite a bit of time in business casual and would like something the brings her out more. Ven takes one look at Terri and writes her off as a fat chick. Because we’re all a bunch of fat asses when we don’t look like clothes hangers. Also? Ven does not say no to cheeseburgers so his waist certainly cannot be called narrow.  And let the Ven bitch session begin.(Grrrrrl, I was about to cut a mother fucker during this sesh.  PLUS SIZE?!?! a size 14?!?! “Bitch, that’s barely plus-size”, said Tim Gunn in so many words and I’m like grrl yes. Frenchie added, “you need to put in your blog that Ven is being an annoying fat ass,” to which I concur.  Hey Ven, look in the mirror sometime you fat fuck! I hereby rescind my love for Ven. –J)

At Mood, a roll of fabric agrees with me and throws itself off the shelf at Sonjia. Thanks fabric! Ven bitches that plus-size really doesn’t go with his aesthetic. Isn’t that interesting since it seems to go with weight? Freegan looks for different shades of grey. Oh Freegan – how on the nose for you! There’s running around and chatter about yardage. Their time is up and off they go.

Back at the hacienda, L’Oreal Johnny pushes every hair color product L’Oreal ever made during the makeovers. Elena’s hair is down and she’s laughing with her client and being all nice. Hold me Jen! I AM SCARED. (I have to say I barely noticed the other personality of Elena as I was purely focused on my sheer rage for Ven. — J)

If Ven does not stop fucking bitching about his client I am taking away all his food. ALL OF IT VEN. In a sweet moment, the designers begin talking about their families – Gunnar’s brother, Dmitry’s brother, Freegan’s partner. It’s all rather sweet and Gunnar exposits that he’s close with his military brother.  Gunnar’s campaign to make me like him is starting to work and I feel shame.

Tim pops in for his critiques and starts with Nathan. As Nathan begins explaining that his clients wants cutouts around the abdomen section, Tim looks horrified and immediately says ABSOLUTELY NO to the cutouts. I need a mini-Tim to talk me out of cupcakes. I refuse to mention the hooker mesh. (Bwahahahah, I die– J)

Chris is making a dress and a jacket which looks fantastic. He’s finding his niche but he better be careful he doesn’t pinhole himself. Elena is making a high-waisted skirt for her curvy girl and she’s all sunshine and rainbows. Fucking weirdo.

Tim and Gunnar love on some chiffon while Ven hates on Gunnar’s construction skills. Meanwhile, Freegan put together all the shades of gray in this gorgeous paneled dress. Tim asks for more cleavage and the Freegan assures him that the client kiboshed it.

Tim moves on to Ven and the designers can already smell the shit coming. Ven wastes no time telling Tim that his client is AT LEAST a 14 and then he laughs. Ven doesn’t stop there laughing as he tells Tim that his client has no fashion sense, no shape and calls her a nightmare. Oh and? She’s OLD. Guys, Ven just vomits out vitriol about this poor woman’s size and her weight. Because Tim is amazing and Fashion Jesus, he manages not to kick Ven in the face for calling almost-40 old but instead turns Ven’s bullshit around to say it’s a privilege to bring this woman into her own and give her the opportunity to transform. Tim Gunn for President. You heard it here first. (Preach! — J)

Here’s where shit starts going down because the editors capture every single eye roll and uncomfortable look the designers start giving Ven while he goes on his rant. ELENA LOSES RESPECT FOR HIM. Elena. Respect. Honestly. Freegan interviews that Ven’s client is curvy and fabulous. Chris doesn’t even have words. And you know, I wouldn’t have expected this from someone who CLEARLY loves his fucking french fries and hasn’t seen his feet since the millennium celebration.

In the not-my-aesthetic corner, Alicia works with some pink fabric and looks utterly confused. Nathan tries to figure out how to make mesh and bright blue satin work and Elena compliments Gunnar. Am I in Oz? What is happening?!

The clients come in to show off their new styles and see the progress their designers have made. Dmitry interviews that he’s never seen Elena be so nice. Chris charms the pants off his client and her friend while Nathan tries to convince his client that eau de whore is definitely not her look.  Goddamn if Gunnar isn’t trying to seduce me with his charms. He lovingly tells his client that most of America is full-figured and where he’s from they love some butter.

(I would like to point out that Dmitry admitted that not only is he a fabulous designer, but he is a FUCKING CHA CHA DIVA, who was a famous BALLROOM DANCER in his home country of Russia? Ukraine?! Fuck it, I don’t know but I love this!!! My love for Dmitry just increased exponentially. — J)

Ven compliments Terri’s hair and then shits all over her.  He’s all black is VERY slimming. She’s like… um OK. (If Ven said slimming one more time, I was going to get my fucking blade from under my tongue and fucking slash his face — J)

Chris makes neck slash motions in Ven’s direction while he tells her everything is too small on her. If I walked your fat ass into American Apparel I could get maybe get you into a bed sheet so shut the eff up Ven. Every single designer cannot believe how Ven treats his client. The editors are clearly having a field day as everyone talks some mad shit and Ven complains that all the other designers had a smaller model. I will let you all judge the veracity of that statement when you see the runway photos below. SPOILER: He’s a lying liar that lies. FINALLY, Terri calls him on his shit and he blows her off saying that he didn’t SAY THAT SHE’S A FAT ASS but he did to the camera about one million times and maybe he forgot the cameras are for the TV show. Terri starts crying and her friend finally goes to talk to Ven about his damn attitude. Ven fake-acts his concern and insults her AGAIN saying “I was SURPRISED yesterday by how beautiful you looked.” Fuck off Ven. (He’s dead to me — J)

Heidi pops out on the runway wearing a gorgeous dress in a nautical stripey theme that I love love love. (I had a love-hate relationship with this. I really loved it but maybe hated it on Heidi?! It seemed to long or something! She really has a horrible figure ya know? 🙂 –J)

Alicia:

J:  Y’all, Beyoncé would flip her fake blonde weave over this.  I however, hated it.  I thought it looked trashy and from Fashion Bug.  But I can see so many sluts wearing this downtown.  It looks super cute on her so that makes her a whore. But she looks a lot like Rudy from The Cosby Show, so that also makes her a whore. Poor Alicia, I know she tried her best but HONEY, stop trying to be something you’re not.  Make the model something fab that also has your design aesthetic!  GRADE:  C+

A: I don’t HATE it. The dress (handkerchief?) looks adorable on Ms. Martina. She loves it; she’s confident and she works it. Alicia lucked out. This challenge is all about putting your aesthetic to work in the real world and had fewer designers fallen short Alicia would have been on the chopping block. GRADE: B-

Chris:

J:  Dear Chris, I fucking love you.  This is awesome.  Aside from the fact that the model balled up his fantastic jacket into a fucking paper bag and clutched it down the runway, I love this look.   The dress drapes beautifully, and for once, this darker shade of baby shit green has won me over.  Chris can make a fabulous jacket AND a fabulous dress.  LOVE.  GRADE: A

A: How Chris did not JUMP on the runway when she took off the jacket I will never know. The dress looks gorgeous. As KK said, “GET ON MY BODY”. The movement is beautiful. And while I don’t LOVE the color it’s very flattering on her. Y’all the jacket rocks. She didn’t even do the whole throw the jacket over your shoulder thing that ALL the models do. Has she never watched a George Michael video?! GRADE: A

Dmitry:

J:  I literally died when this came down the runway.  Not only is it in one of my signature colors, but its beautifully made, fitted, and styled.  The model looks FIERCE and I love everything about it, including the studded clutch and booties!! My only gripe is the prominent zipper which has been kinda played out this season but Dmitry TOTALLY makes it work and I just end up not caring! Way to go Dmitry! So glad you won.. oh wait… GRADE:  A++

A: I was not overly impressed with this on the mannequin. But damn if Dmitry (the Cha Cha Master) doesn’t know his client. The fit? PERFECTION. Her haircut suits her to a T and honestly, she looks like a different person. A 2.0 version of herself – full of verve and joie de vive. KK and I agree with Jen – the zippers!? Is it just easier to leave it exposed like that? Is it a thing? God I am old.  GRADE: A

Elena:

J:  Elena, I ain’t mad atcha.  This is a very cute outfit for a non-hanger model.  I really thought she did a great job and her model truly worked it down that runway.  It is a tad bit boring, but I can forgive that since the model looks so freaking pretty.  GRADE:  B+

A: I need to know what Elena has against color. This girl said right off that she LOVES color. And Elena made her this snooze-fest of an outfit. It’s lovely for sure, but it washes her out. Give this girl a deep plum or jewel tone to set off that hair and she would have been top 3. God give her a colored SHOE , a purse. SOMETHING. GRADE: C

Freegan:

J:  Freegan, Freegan, Freegan.  I just want to start of by saying BURN THAT FUCKING BELT AND THOSE GOD-AWFUL SHOES!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!! MY EYES!!!!! That being said, WOW, really loved this fifty shades of grey dress. All that’s missing is a nipple clamp and anal beads.  I think his sassy Asian model looks fabulous and this look is very flattering on her.  Without the Sarah, Plain and Tall (I read that as Sarah Palin – A) shoes of course. GRADE:  A

A: So the belt didn’t bug me but those shoes make me want to pour bleach in my eyes. The dress looks FABULOUS on her. It’s completely her style but more importantly he made her love something that she normally doesn’t. And that’s why he won – he transformed her into a better version of herself. And then he gave her these shoes for comedic effect. GRADE: A

Gunnar:

J:  Oh heyyyyy girl.  I think I loved this model more than the dress. She worked her size and her dress, ALL because GUNNAR was a fucking sweetheart to her and gave her the confidence she needed. (LOOKING AT YOU VEN!!) I’m not sure that I like the top half of the dress and much as the bottom, but the fact that he hand-sewn all these small black squares to make this, just makes me super happy. Love. GRADE:  B+

A: I LOVE THIS WOMAN. She works the HELL out of the runway. She’s all hair flip and shimmy and kicky-kick. I wish ALL models smiled and enjoyed the runway. Of course if I subsisted on lettuce and diuretics I would be pissy too, but I digress. Gunnar loved on this dress and on this woman boosting her confidence through the roof and every inch of it showed. Again why he was in the top 3. Her experience showed and he brought her into her own. Damn you Gunnar. GRADE A

Melissa:

J:  Who?! What?! Where?! I’m as scared and confused as Jesse Spano on her pills.  First off, NO MA’AM should that hem be that short.  No offense nice, normal lady but those thighs are not meant to be seen.  That being said, I would like to say I love the dress but I can’t fucking see it because of these drapes Melissa tore off the wall and gave to her model (YES! -A).  I like the pop of red on the clutch and the model’s hair but I can’t accurately judge this without seeing the fucking dress!  GRADE:  ?!?! For what I can see, C+

A: Melissa reinstated my theory: when you have immunity you phone it in. Completely agree that the length of this dress is inappropriate – both for her shape and her age. I mean I can see the structure Melissa added at the top but is that rouching? Is it it ill-fitting? Boo Melissa. You can do so much better than this! GRADE: C-

Nathan:

J:  Hey Nathan, Hookers R US called, they want their dress back.  Poor Nathan, he was asked to make a hooker dress. So he did. I disagree that the sheer sleeves are matronly, I think that’s kinda hot. The model totally looked hot, but also looked like she was ready to give someone a handy J  (an old-fashioned perhaps? – A) for $15. Styling was good, hair was pretty. Those are the only nice things I can think of to say about this. GRADE: C-

A: Oh Nathan. All the things that are wrong (and you knew were so wrong) wound up on this garment. Look Lola / Lila / Lili whatever, came up and said make me look like a hooker. And bless your heart, you did the polar opposite of Ven and designed her exactly what she wanted – something whorish. The sheer sleeves aren’t awful but the rest? No. VERY Hoochie Mama – which the Brit guest judge did not know the meaning of and KORS had to to tell her. GRADE: C

Sonjia:

J:  Sweet baby Jesus, this is horrific.  This poor, BEAUTIFUL girl just wanted a dress Sultan Sonjia! (BWAHAHAHAHAH – A) This is like the shortest bathrobe in history! I LOVE the color, but everything else is a major FAIL and I’m SOOOOOO disappointed in Sonjia for this atrocity.  We can almost see her fish whistle! AHHH WHYYYYYY?! GRADE:  D

A: Oh Sonjia. The wraps? They’re HURTING YOU! You lost all that blood flow and your talent went to shit. Of all the fixees, this one needs it the most! She’s a social worker! She wears gym shorts! GIVE HER SOMETHING GOOD. And you made her this sad shirt dress / bathing suit cover-up. I love the shoes – as that is how I wear animal print – and the hair! Beautiful. Your contribution Sultan? Not so much. GRADE: D-

Ven:

J:  I will try to not let my homicidal feelings for Ven get in the way of this critique.  However, if he had been fucking NICE to his client for any length of time, this would have been so much better.  He was such a douche, that the model looks pained to even walk down the runway in this.  I thought the model looked pretty, and that the outfit wasn’t SO bad.  But then as I kept staring at it… it got worse. FLATS!?! WHY?! ‘Cause fat people can’t walk in heels?! Did you SEE Jessica Simpson during her 2 years of pregnancy?! I feel bad for this model and I am so thoroughly disappointed in Ven.  Part of being a designer on PROJECT RUNWAY is designing for larger sizes, for both sexes, for fucking purple people eaters.  You just have to adjust and move on, not be a complete asshole and make every one of your fans turn against you. GRADE:  F

A:  Ven projected all his internal feelings onto Terri. And I will leave it at that as I mocked him sufficiently above. I love the skirt (AGAIN WITH THE ZIPPER!) and it looks really nice on her. And of course, the hair. But everything else is so incredibly un-Ven like. There’s no flow, no drape. He insults himself with this garment never mind Terri. The shirt is abominable; unflattering in both shape and color. She would have looked great with a form-fitted deep toned red top and a sassy shoe. Instead he dresses her like he is ASHAMED of her, when he is really ashamed of himself. Ven – YOU should have gone home. GRADE: F  

Poor Dmitry is turning into fucking Sally Field.  When will he get his, “You love me! You really love me!” moment?! He TOTALLY deserved to win.  Freegan overstyled his outfit and Dmitry’s was FLAWLESS.  Alas, Freegan won, so I’m sure he will go off to some dumpster dive in celebration.

The best part of this runway judging sesh was when 1- when Heidi called Nathan’s model a “hoochie mama.”  Y’all, I lost my shit laughing. and 2- when they tore Ven to pieces limb by limb.  Then Heidi proceeded to try to fake us out by alluding to maybe more than one designer going home.  I was fully prepared for Ven to bite the dust, but alas, Heidi was just one of using her European torture methods, and Ven just got a stern talking to while Nathan was sent packing.

Previews for next week include everyone having a nervous breakdown! YAY!! Andrea and I will be tweeting live! So follow us @JenDizzle1 & @AJS721 Thursday night, starting at 9!

A lesson in stupidity

There are few things I hate more in life than the fucking talentless Kardashians, especially I’m-only-famous-cause-I-fucked-on-camera Kim K. (Jen is not kidding. – A)

This dumb bitch posted the following photo, where she is supposedly channeling the uber-talented Diana Ross.  If I were Diana Ross I would be PISSED.  Diana Ross has more talent in her fucking pinky than this dumb bitch, who has no talent  worth mentioning (unless we ask the entire NFL/NBA and/or any random black guy on the streets of LA).

That hair?! That makeup?! This is an insult to tranny’s everywhere.  This dumb bitch actually thinks she’s cute. No one likes you! Men don’t like you, they like your big ass that they can smack while you’re face down in the sheets. (Wow. She really hates you – A)

Go channel Jenna Jameson, that’s more up your alley.

Hey Hey,You You, I don’t like your boyfriend…or you.

With the exception of my boo Justin Bieber and the amazing weed they have in Canada, nothing good ever comes out of that damn country.  It seems like Canada only wants to give us the shitty performers they don’t want.

Enter Avril Lavigne and the lead singer of fucking Nickelback.  Much like herpes, we cannot seem to get rid of Avril Lavigne OR the band Nickelback.  So imagine our surprise to hear the lead singer of NickelSUCK and teen angst faux rocker Avril Lavigne were engaged. (Oh dear. – A)

Now, she was married to some ugly dude from some other punk band (Derek Whatshisface – A)  Then she  divorced the Dirty D and began dating Brody Jenner. Since he’s vaguely related to the Kardashian’s he’s inherited my hate; now equaling how much I hate Avril.  She had maybe one good song, and by “good” I mean I tolerated it while drunk.

Nickelback has NEVER MADE ONE GOOD SONG. Ever.  I would rather gouge out both my eyeballs with hot pokers than to listen to an entire album of theirs.  I would rather go to a fucking CREED concert with Miley Cyrus as the opening act. I would rather shave Kim Kardashian’s back while listening to Kanye talk about how Beyoncé should have won greatest person ever on the planet.  Wait, no, I wouldn’t want to do that at all.

(Sidebar: I saw Nickelback when they opened for Bon Jovi at Giants stadium. They use the F-word more than Jen and sound WORSE than you can imagine. – A )

I digress.  Below is the pic of the lovebirds, Avril & Chad whatever-the-fuck-his-last-name-is, from a recent People exclusive. Folks, it’s been a slow celebrity news week.

 The article is quite hilarious as Avril speaks about how in love they are and how he’s just soooooo attentive. BITCH, he’s 37 banging a 27-year-old. OF COURSE he’s attentive.  His groupies probably look a lot like Honey Boo Boo’s mama!!

Go back to Canada and take your horrific music with you, EY.

Once Upon a Honey Boo Boo – Eps 1 & 2

Dearest reader, here at It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, we like to pride ourselves on making fun of the most ridiculous celebrities and bringing you the most ridiculous things we see on TV.

Enter, Honey Boo Boo. (I cannot watch this show as I have enough trouble keeping my people set straight. White people you are on your own with this mess – A)

First, some background.

A few years ago, I was a Toddlers & Tiara’s hater. This SomeEcard sums up my feelings.

Then one day not too long ago, I watched roughly 6 hours of this train wreck on a rainy Saturday.  I was hooked.  Then came Honey Boo Boo’s episode.  If you haven’t caught this gem because you’ve been living in a reality show bubble for the past 6 months, check it out here on You Tube.

There is no doubt in my mind that Honey Boo Boo is a star and deserves her own reality show.  God answered my prayers and “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” premiered on TLC a few weeks ago.

“Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” basically follows HBB and her family as they live their redneck life somewhere in the backwoods of Georgia.  Below is a picture of HBB’s family. Epitome of Class.

The first episode introduces us to Honey Boo Boo’s family. Her real name is Alana but I’m not big on government names, so she will henceforth be referred to as HBB or Honey Boo Boo.

June is HBB’s overweight, coupon clipping’ mama who thinks she’s pretty hot, and has more confidence than Kim K at a NAACP rally. June has four daughters by her “baby daddy” Sugar Bear. June is 32 and her oldest daughter Anna, aka Chickadee, is 17 and pregnant. I hate math but I hauled out my calculator to reveal that June was in fact, 15 FUCKING YEARS OLD when she had her first kid.  Already I feel bad for HBB and smell a future episode of 16 & Pregnant.  The middle daughter is lovingly nicknamed Chubbette (government name – Jessica) and possesses ZERO manners.  The other one whose name I forget as she hasn’t done anything necessitating me learning her name. UPDATE: Quick Wikipedia check revealed her named is Lauryn aka Pumpkin.

In the pilot episode, they take a family trip to Disneyland! Ha, kidding. They are backwoods country folk so they go to the annual REDNECK GAMES!!! HBB is competing in the belly-flop-into-a-pit-of-disgusting-mud competition and Chubbette is competing in the bob for pigs feet event.  The pigs feet aren’t cooked but rather raw, and covered in flies.  A more advanced competitor steps their game up and Chubbette loses the event, however her family is still super-proud.

The best part of the first episode is the lake at the Redneck Games.  This lake has a sign stating ” DO NOT ENTER, FLESH-EATING BACTERIA IN THIS LAKE” while the camera pans to several rednecks frolicking about in the water as though they are in fucking Hawaii.  Thank God June cares about her children’s flesh because she forbids them to enter the lake, while Honey Boo Boo screams, “Y’all are stupid!” to the patrons in the lake. God I love that kid.

One thing to take from this episode is the word “redneckonize.” I have no clear definition however, I look forward to shouting this at NASCAR races in the future.

The second episode involves the acquisition of a teacup pig.  Now I have always loved pigs since I read Charlotte’s Web in the 3rd grade.  I have always wanted one. And then I saw this episode.  Sugar Bear brings home a teacup pig because HBB hasn’t been winning any pageants lately and he wants to cheer her up.  Ya gotta give it to Sugar Bear. He’s a great dad.  Plus he has sex with Jabba the Hut aka June, so he deserves points for that.

The sweet little pig shrieks and shrieks the entire episode, clearly afraid of being eaten by Mama (which is also a fear that Honey Boo Boo conveys in episode 3).  They name this adorable piece of bacon, Glitzy and you instantly feel sorry for this nugget who would obviously prefer to be bacon.

Honey Boo Boo also receives etiquette lessons in this episode, along with her sister Pumpkin aka Chubbs who clearly needs it as proven by this gem, ““My mother has told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day, you could lose a lot of weight, so I think I’m gonna lose a lot of weight.” Oh is that all it takes Chubbs?

Poor Honey Boo Boo doesn’t stand a chance.

All these things is why China owns us. – A