Between the conventions, speeches, cheering and the live tweeting, Jen D. and I have neglected our little corner of the Internet. But here it’s LAST week’s Proj Run recap. In all fairness, we blew quite a bit of MoJo with the live tweeting and needed to regroup after the HAIR-RAISING ending.
Alas, we open as we always do… on the Atlas.
Everyone misses Nathan and Chris gives Ven the side eye as he interviews that he would LOOOVE his own room. Hint, Hint Judges.
The boys put on their skirts and makeup while the women plot to boot another penis. The term Chiffonie stuck for good so we can look forward to that for the rest of the season. Sonjia (sans the dashiki, but with hair the color of a blueberry Airhead –J) interviews that men design what they think women should wear – flirty, romantic, girly; but women design for strength and badassery and all those tough as nails things. And then the rest of the episode happens.
Alicia gets all “One Chiffonie at a time.” Oh Alicia! You’re still here?
On the runway, Heidi determines this the sequins episode so she’s dressed like a giant brown disco ball. She looks at the designers and asks, “Tired?” Then commiserates with Chris about their dark circles. Don’t be a bitch Heidi.
She sends the designers off to a “special place on Fifth Avenue” to find Tim and a special guest. They wind up at the Lord & Taylor flagship store. Um, OK. Has that always been there? I haven’t seen a Lord & Taylor in about 20 years and Gunnar’s all: “L&T has launched so many HUGE designers.” What? WHO GUNNAR? WHO? He reads those cue cards like a good little soldier.
There are 9 mannequins artfully displayed and each one is formally garbed by a former Proj Run Winner. There’s a lot of black, of course. The winner’s dress will be displayed in L&T’s windows PLUS produced and sold as part of the Project Runway collection. The designers get all glassy-eyed imagining their dress in the window and slitting all the other designer’s throats.
Y’all I can’t lie, I would buy every single one of those dresses. Me, with all the galas I attend as you know I am tres important.
Bonnie Brooks, the president of L&T, thoroughly enjoys their lust for a moment before continuing that the garment will need to retail for $200-$300. Excuse me?! AT LORD AND TAYLOR?! The manufacturer – J&S? J&T? JW Black? – will be providing fabrics and notions. Notions, I just learned, are the zippers, buttons, clips, etc. The minutia of fashion if you will. The More You Know….by KK.
So there’s no Mood. I guess after the fabric backlash last week, the producers decided to punish the well-intentioned fabric. The designers scatter off to sketch and immediately Elena gets all “Another Gunnar challenge…” HEAVES SIGH. I can’t with her and her constant sighing through this whole episode. The next time you read Elena’s name assume there’s a giant sigh that goes with whatever else I mock her for. (For example, I love seams and textures. BITCH!?! Black seams and textures!?! Cause that’s ALL YOU DO!!!–J)
Meanwhile Chris announces his intention to make a gown. HE CAN’T WAIT. He’s adorable but good lord he needs a Xanax and a good night of sleep. Chris- you’re pretty. Now shut up. Dmitry interviews that they’re designing for the whole United States which must be why Ven is so silent as “normal” people aren’t in his aesthetic. Shut up Ven. I CAN HEAR YOU THINKING IT. (Also, Gunnar thinks that designing for the average boring ass white woman means lots and lots of sequins. Walk away from the Bedazzler Gunnar. -J)
ATTENTION DESIGNERS, the zipper hasn’t been used AT ALL this season!! Let’s try that! (insert sarcasm font here)–J
Once back in the workroom, the designers run for the fabric. Awash in a pool of black, Melissa wisely chooses something other than her usual noir and goes for this gorgeous bronze brocade. Dmitry scores a beautiful silvery, grey fabric and tells us he’s doing sleek and simple – you go with your bad self Dmitry! Mere moments after Chris choses his fabric and decides to do his shredding technique the editors begin the designers-shit-on-Chris montage. Here’s the thing he flat-out SAYS – look I have done this before, but it’s what I do and it’s totally me and it’s going to look great. Knowing it is half the battle Chris so you DO YOU. (Do you boo boo, do you – J)
Hey guys – guess what Elena’s doing? Bitching. (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, she’s also crying. THERE IS NO CRYING ON PROJECT RUNWAY! Crying because you can’t be simple? Ho, please- J) She doesn’t design like this. It isn’t her thing to do a “simple design.” What? You don’t “do” anything other than a military jacket with GIANT shoulders? I never noticed Elena! (sarcasm font applied here)
Sonjia completely lost her mojo after being in the bottom and cannot get it together. She’s sitting there randomly pinning things to her dress form and just going on and on about not knowing what to do and not being inspired and JESUS WOMAN enough already! Be like the damn shoe and Just Do It. Sonjia muses about knocking out some of the guys and is all, “OH HEY DMITRY!” Dmitry is super-confused as he is, you know, WORKING.
Alicia says she’s doing a lower waist inspired by Chanel. That sound? That’s Coco Chanel rolling over in her grave and shouting MERDE!
Guys, Ven is thinking about the customer in his design. Let hilarity ensue.
Elena pisses on Gunnar some more as if he had anything to do with choosing this challenge or grading this challenge or anything that he clearly has no say in. Gunnar oddly loves Elena. I think this is because at 22 he knows no better. Elena goes on and on (SIGH) about haute couture and avant-garde and blah blah. Bless Gunnar for being the only person who tolerates her.
For whatever reason the women just fall apart: Elena with the sighing and the tears and the non-avant garding; Sonjia with her self-doubt and dinner plate earrings and obsession about beating the guys; Melissa who chose the wrong fabric that doesn’t fit the design, and then Alicia who’s just Alicia.
The guys of course have no issues! Gunnar happily sews sequins while Chris shreds and gowns. Dmitry rocks out a stunning silhouette as Freegan phones in his black dress. Sonjia notes their ease calling it ironic so the editors can now use Ven’s nasty clip about men being better designers than women. I wonder how long they had to wait for that opportunity?
In comes the next President of the United States, Tim Gunn to critique and give sage advice. He stops by Alicia first who is putting in a box pleat where the box goes. What? That’s what she’s doing! She brings up Chanel again and Tim manages not to laugh at her. I love that man.
Sonjia begins to unravel in front of Tim and he is not having it. He tells her to get her shit together only in a much nicer way.
Tim encourages Gunnar to add a layer of sequins, reassures Chris to follow his shredding, praises Dmitry, and acknowledges Freegan’s phone in – GIANT ZIPPER and all.
Poor man gets to Elena and mentions that her design looks very one of a kind. She cries all over his suggestion of translating down her upscale design; blubbering that she can’t believe she’s going down like this and how she’s all misunderstood. And has she never watched this show? I just don’t understand why she thinks that the upscale avant-garde look will be immediately embraced by the judges for every challenge. Then she loses her fake lashes. Someone just shoot her in the head and be done with it.
Ven’s dress reminds me of a place mat as there is a giant flower in the center that looks made out of plastic. Chris says it looks like a holiday garment; he is correct. Of course, as Chris gives Tim the rundown on the gown, it gives the editors another chance to throw in more designer comments on Chris’s shredding technique. Alicia hates on Chris’s whole shredded look. Hey Alicia – you’re barely here so shut it.
Sweet moment of the evening: Gunnar offers to make Freegan a dress because Freegan will totally wear it . Freegan immediately says yes.
By the end of the night Melissa figures out that she has to cut another dress. She’s shitting her pants. Sonjia meanwhile channelled 1987 cueing Chris’s zinger, “The 80s called, they want everything back. Cyndi Lauper’s missing a dress and a clutch.”
The guys immediately rally around Melissa which I love. They know she’s up a creek and really want to help. They don’t but they want to.
Runway day!
Freegan wears high-waisted pleated pants and a crown of flowers. His pants have more pleats than Joan River’s face. Please imagine my reaction.
Ven interviews that he likes the top of his dress better than Chris’s. You know who doesn’t care, Ven? TERRI.
Melissa is all frenetic sewing, running, basting, stitching. Everyone is half in awe and half afraid of her right now. There’s L’Oreal promos and at one point Melissa says, “Just surprise me.” Damn. You know she’s STRESSING.
Elena fits her model and I get my Chris line of the night! “Elena’s dress is exactly her personality – trying to be sweet but then crazy bitch. Who puts a harness on a baby doll dress? I DON’T GET IT. I DON’T WANT TO GET IT (pause) I don’t like her.” Aaaand simple as that Chris is back on my good gay side. (Literally the best line of the season. Thank you Chris. –J)
Tim comes in and all the models are naked. He’s all: “Um. You have like 5 minutes.” Then it happens; Sonjia completely loses her shit. And I mean LOSES all the marbles. She’s hyperventilating, sobbing and just breaking DOWN. Her dress isn’t going over the model’s “hips” and she CAN’T DEAL. Girl, that’s my every fucking January after I stuff my face.
Elena steps in and shimmies Sonjia’s model into the dress. Everyone else gets their ass in gear except SONJIA. Tim, bless him, pulls her aside and asks “SONIJA WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” And she just vomits words about hems and zippers and fabric and Tim is all GET IT TOGETHER WOMAN. At this point Jen yells, “You are a strong black woman wearing dinner plates as earrings. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GIRL.” This is why neither of us are on reality TV.
I’d like to note that Freegan was safe in this challenge. SAFE, with his checkerboard tattoo and his Latin Kings neck tattoo. Sadness abounds.
Alicia
Jen: No ma’am. First off, this fabric resembles a trash bag. Secondly, there is a weird vagina flap. Maybe that’s cool for lesbians, I don’t know. But I do not like it, and when Michael Kors called it a field hockey uniform, I died. ALICIA GO HOME. GRADE: D-
A: Alicia’s all: “She looks cool.” FACEPALM. Frankly, I don’t understand Alicia’s aesthetic at all. But this garment is completely out of her comfort zone. And while I find it ugly, I give her some props to doing something totally out of her wheelhouse. Let’s be clear: Chanel this is NOT. GRADE: C-
Christopher
Jen: Totes love. I love that it looks like separates. I love that Chris made it. I LOVE the styling and the model’s hair!! I do not love that it’s a simple jersey skirt, however it all comes together beautifully and even the models shark fin shoulder blades look nice. Chris hit a home run with this one! GRADE: A+
A: I love this. It’s beautiful, totally Chris and the shredding looks amazing. The styling is perfection – light, romantic and very ingenue. This teeny person floats down the runway looking all Catherine of Wuthering Heights in the front and starving shoulder-blade-assassin from the back. (BWAHAHAHAHA – J) Speaking of the back, I like the surprise cut out giving a bit of skin but still very formal. GRADE: A+
Dmitry
Jen: Surprise! DMITRY WAS ROBBED. I would rock the shit out of this dress. It is beautifully tailored, styled, and I just can’t say anything else because I’m speechless over this dress. Oh, but I can say, IF HE DOESNT WIN SOON, I’M FUCKING SOMEONE UP. GRADE: A++
Andrea: DAMN DMITRY. Just damn. While Chris’s model looks all ethereal, Dmitry’s looks like she walked off the set of Alias. Sharp, sleek and sexy. Again, totally in his wheelhouse with those beautiful details on the front and the fantastic fit. DMITRY WILL WIN ONE DAY! I would love to see a more colorful shoe but other than that? Smashing. GRADE: A+
Elena
Jen: Oh Elena. How I hate you and your bright pink lipstick. They may not allow it in the Ukraine, much like they don’t allow feelings, but that doesn’t mean its appropriate for America. I digress. I hate this dress. The only thing I like is the back cut out thing, but again it looks like a fucking harness. GRADE: D+
Elena: The woman wears a plastic trash bag down the runway and Elena calls it art. OK. I’ll play. Now they didn’t have a whole Mood-full-o’ fabrics to choose from so I can’t hate too much on the fabric. But I’m with Chris – I don’t get it. There’s no movement to the dress. I hope whoever wears this has a nice ass because it will be imprinted on the dress when they walk away! The cutout idea looks cool but…no. GRADE: C-
Freegan
Jen: Oh imagine that! A little back dress. SNOOOZE. I didn’t even need Ambien to fall asleep on this one. I hate it. I hate that he used a FUCKING ZIPPER. I do like the back of the dress but the front is only interesting because of LORD & TAYLOR ACCESSORY!! Freegan, ugh. GRADE: C
A: Welcome to Freegan’s phone-in. A black dress with a zipper and an asymmetrical hem. The shoulder detail in the back looks nice. But I have fallen asleep so … GRADE: C
Gunnar
Jen: This dress looks like a fucking decal. From far away, its nice but up close its a mess of bedazzled sequins and sparkles. Me no likey. GRADE: C+
A: To quote a friend of mine: “I mean, I wouldn’t wear it but if you like it…” 100% Lord & Taylor from head to toe. Sure it’s a bit shellacked and maybe short, but overall? EXACTLY what I expect from both Gunnar and L&T. Still can’t figure out why the judges don’t like the whole sheer thing but whatever. GRADE: B
Melissa
Jen: Great googly moogly, I die for this dress. I am so in love with this dress its unreal. Sure, the asymmetrical hemline could go. But I barely notice that as I am staring at how AWESOME this model looks. Her ass looks like a dream! I think the sharp shoulders of the top are very Gaga, which makes me love it even more. Three cheers to Melissa WHO CRANKED THIS SHIT OUT while Ven was hating women and Sultan Sonjia was crying like a little bitch. GRADE: A+
A: MELISSA MADE THIS DRESS IN THREE HOURS. Guys – she clearly watches this show because Melissa turned this out. And the L’Oreal boys did not steer her wrong as the styling is glorious – all sex and swag. The fantastic neckline, the open back and the beautiful fit clearly show Melissa’s aesthetic but are still arresting. Yes, Korsy the hemline is a bit much. But THREE. HOURS. Get it girl. GRADE: A
Sultan Sonjia
Jen: Hate. No wonder you were crying. Because your design sucked and your hair is horrible. The model can barely even walk in this! It’s pretty and elegant but borrrrrinnnnggg. GRADE: B-
A: ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz. Ok Sonjia – you had your breakdown and now it’s time to quit the shit. Why does this dress have a kick pleat? Again with the plastic fabric but the fit is fine. She just threw in the clutch mid-freakout I assume as there’s nothing remotely attractive about it. Bored. GRADE: C-
Fat Ass Ven
Jen: Boring boring boring. It seems as though Ven has lost his mojo. Oh look, another flower top thing. Cool. Sure it fits nicely, and I love the skirt but the top? No sir. GRADE: C-
A: Lovely lovely fit. Ven knows how to dress a skinny lady. The skirt is fantastic; the top is a place mat. And as much shit as people give Christopher with the shredding let’s all agree that Ven’s done this quite a bit. GRADE: B
Histrionics on the runway! After all the sighing, the bitching and moaning Elena comes in top three. She completely falls to pieces and Heidi-Face-of-Stone-Klum is all “Tell me why you’re reacting like this.” You know who should have cried? DMITRY. Always a bridesmaid that one. AND THEN… y’all I almost died…they call ALICIA safe and leave Gunnar-thanks-for-your-feedback standing all alone on the runway. After what must have been an eternity for Gunnar, Heidi proclaims him safe and congratulates him. (Europeans have no feelings and Heidi is an emotionless bitch– J) Shortly thereafter, Jen performs life-saving resuscitation as I almost died. Look, I agree that everyone did a good job within their talent but Alicia did not step up to the level of the other designers.
Next week (or last night)? Front row seats to the Elena/Dmitry death match.
It Seemed Like A Good Idea at the Time 